My Immortal - Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here 
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here 
And it won't leave me alone 

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me, me, me

Many minds One world

[ Again, one of the days at work. Reading this post, made me realize I have come a long way in a year. How much things have changed in a mere 365 days. Am I glad? More than ever. I do hope each of these women, have come a long way too. Hopefully, to a better today]

I’m at work and today was different in many peculiar ways. Like many mornings this morning too, a colleague had called all the ladies to her cabin to share her little ‘dabaa’ of Dosa and Chutney. This morning’s breakfast sharing was more than just our usual tête-à-tête. A newlywed ‘A’ amongst us was flaunting her new top, (a pretty ivory with black work) a gift from her mother in law for the first month of marital bliss. She was happy and seeing her we were happy. She cooed about how lovely marriage is. An angel for a mother in law midnight drives with hubby darling and a reason to smile everyday! I, too young for marriage and years after teens am only too happy to hear her talk in hope that with time I may warm up to the idea of a wedding!

‘A’ spoke about the small romantic gestures that mean a lot more and its importance in building the foundation for the future years as a wife. I listened with intrigue, not questioning to not cut the flow and observing the other married ladies listen to ‘A’ with nostalgia. ‘P’ happily married for 2 years and a half. Happy? She seems!’P’ had an arranged marriage with a close family friend’s son! The families are elated about the union. ‘P’ is happy. Is she in love? She does her chores at home before she heads to work and the evening chores after she gets home from work. Her husband allows her the liberty to profession and doesn’t help with cooking. Is that a recipe for a good marriage? ‘A’ says her husband helps in the kitchen too. Is that an added garnish? ‘A’ and ‘P’ both married, both happy. ‘A’ gushes about loves, ‘p’ says it will fade soon! It has faded for her in 2 years and a half? Love fades? I had no idea! ‘D’ says she married a man who is mute. Not mute as in dumb. Mute as in aloof and a man of few words. An arranged marriage and even after 10 years of it, she says she doesn’t know her husband! She says she used to try a lot in the beginning, the first 4 years she tried all the display of love, romantic gestures and expressions, candle light dinners and movies on the couch but her husband would come home from work to open his java books and prepare for the next day at work. She would leave little notes with hugs and kisses for him to notice. The notes would never be reciprocated with an actual hug or kiss. After 4 years of giving it her best shot, she had a son. “Once my son is 15, he will have a life of his own. He won’t need any one to tie his lace or help with homework. He will have friends and lots of reasons to be happy. Then I will find other ways for happiness.” She says. I ask “So then you have a plan for switching on the best in your hubby darling?” She quickly says “No! I’m not going to try anymore. I will find other ways of being happy!” I didn’t ask her which other ways? Would she tell? Maybe, maybe not! ‘D’ is happy, she loves her son and enjoys her work but there is no one to nurture all the love she has. She shut her doors to romance and listens keenly when ‘A’ talks about her new found romance or when ‘P’ talks about her faded love. There is a pause and they look into space. Pondering! 

‘M’ continues the thread. She was prepared for marriage. So much so she registered herself on a matrimonial site and found a groom for herself by herself. They convinced their parents and ‘M’ got married. It’s been 5 years and she laughs over a ‘marriage joke’ that says marriage is like walking in a park, only the park is Jurassic park! She used to play the guitar, not anymore! There is no time. Sundays? No! There is always something or the other to do at home. She says love fades eventually and everything becomes a routine. I’m remembered of a woman in her mid forties who had once in a similar forum spoken about how mechanical marriage has become. Even sex she said had become a routine, something that had to be indulged in every Saturday after dinner.  At some point emotional, now only mechanical. ‘M’’s routine sounds mechanical too. Only 5 years of marriage and all was routine already? ‘M’ is happy. She nods in agreement when ‘P’ talks of chores, when ‘D’ talks about love that is not reciprocated. She shows disagreement when ‘A’ talks about long lasting love. The Dosa and Chutney over and the dabaas lie open, dry.  

‘AK’ sees the congregation through the glass walls and peeks in to join. I clear the question mark look on her face and tell her we are talking about marriage. ‘AK’ says ‘oh!’ I wonder how she has nothing to say. There is a husband because she does talk about her daughter often. My mind talks ‘C’mon AK! Tell us your story. Did you have an arranged marriage? Did you register yourself on a matrimony site? Were you in love? Did the love fade? Does he cook?”. ‘ AK’ senses the tone of the discussion and adds to it. “We used to live in London. My husband left us (daughter and AK) recently.  So daughter and I moved back here. No one knows us here. We are starting afresh and we are really happy. Like really. I’m learning new things and my daughter is becoming independent.  I like life now”. Everyone looks at her. She is smiling and has no complaints from life.

Half written

a cool blue sky sprinkled with cloud puffs,
the sea below snuffs,
its gentle waves carry the clouds far and beyond

hear the glee of the clouds?
they converse with the waves.
'marine,take me into the deep, those depths have remained unseen'
'these depths are rugged and dark for your satin gentleness my queen!'
'be on the guard, be my protector and lead me through the dark'
'the depth is scarred by rock pools and reef tops, by blood shot eyes of whale and shark'

[2011]

In the late autumn afternoons,the dancing winds often play a game of 'whirl'. While they sit in their air conditioned offices with big rectangular windows that offer a clear view of the green lawn patch outside.Beyond the company lines,the golden brown stretch of dry grass and a forlorn neem tree with crisp yellow leaves stay still. The mountains around,offer an outline to the industrial zone. Who has the time to note its beauty? My soft plea to stop and take a look around is muffled in the noise of the trucks and the smoking factory chimney.

Amongst man's chaos, for the easily distracted,the wind plays a little jingle. It visits the lawns and tickles the bougainvillea,the flowers enjoy the afternoon guests. The ones up for fun, detangle from the claws of the plant and whirl with the wind. The flowers give shape to the otherwise shapeless and invisible element of nature. Pink,white and the occasional tinge of pink with white raise with the wind. They soar to the delight of the one distracted employee behind the glass wall. The gardner like a game show host watches nature play. the winds soar higher challenging the flower puffs. The wind laughs and pulls the flowers away,across the garden patch. They swing and sway along.

With a quick gust, the wind soars leaving the flower puffs behind. Applause. The wind once again shapeless and invisible. Only its wheezing shows its existence. For a second the mind is empty. The feeling after a highly enjoyed show. The flowers scattered across the garden patch add color to the zone. The gardener just as quite as the spectator before,starts raking the lawns. The mind of the distraced employee slithers back into place,the beeping of the fax machine,the ring of a telephone,the discussion in the cabin next door.

The wind lurches ahead, in search of another game. Moving across the golden brown dry patch,through the forlorn neem tree.For a while,the stiff branches sway,then they are back to 'stay'. The gardner rakes the lawn clean and the employee gets back to her work station. Both enjoyed my show.

Till another autumn afternoon wind and another distracted employee,nature signs off.


[Written about a year back. Found it, when I was decluttering Inbox as per Declutter December]