Thought Catalog

This post nails it. Every word of it is a shout out.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/chelsea-fagan/2013/12/24-rules-for-being-a-gentleman-in-2014/

First TomKat and now Hrithik and Sussanne! :'(

Shakes your belief off the institution of marriage doesn't it? Did anyone imagine, Tom Cruise who trampolined on The Oprah Winfrey couch for his lady love, would in a decade be settling divorce charges? Did anyone in their wildest imaginations think the couple that emerged multiple times on Rendezvous with Simi Garewal, once soon after marriage and the second, the first time their baby kicked, Hrithik and Sussanne would be hustling a divorce after a 17 year long relationship?
How!

Just wiping out memories of a love you treasure is painful, just the mere thought of losing the one person who is capable of owning your heart and crushing it like a rotten tomato is choking...how then do couples with lovely babies walk away from a marriage?

People say suicide is cowardice. I feel a human could never in the right sense be able to harm another human, intentionally and definitely not them self. So, to take your own life is not cowardice, its....I don't know what it is...so Divorce much like suicide can possibly not be the easy way out...I can't imagine the trauma one must endure to go through and emerge out of it...especially while the nation observes your every move.

11.12.13

I woke up this morning with the biggest cheer. The last of the consecutive, 11.12.13. I am one to have lived it. I thought putting down words, today would in the best way commemorate the importance of the day for me.
As the last month of the year speedily moves towards the ides of December that will soon fetch the year end, I feel this year for me has been a whole lot for being thankful. Thankful for the loved ones around me who have been blessed with their heart's desires as the year 2013 unfolded. This year like the ones before has had its share of thumbs up and its share of sad smileys. But, it has surely been a year to give each of us a reason to look forward to 2014.

The year for me in particular has been one of engagements, weddings, babies, careers, decisions, progressions, demises, political waves and of many new ideas and thoughts that have provoked the mind from time to time.

The passing away of Nelson Mandela per say doesn't affect my life today. However, a man who lived almost a century on Mother Earth and saw her evolve was not just an observer of the time pass by. He was a contributor to the evolution. 27 years in prison and still the will to free his land and work for its betterment till the very end. Apartheid was only a feather in a very very rich cap. Studying a tad about Mandela in school does no justice to this man's contribution to our lives. I do hope the generations ahead will carry forward the contributions of our forefathers who made the world a better place. For me, Mandela along with Margaret Thatcher are names in the list of important people who created the world we live in and their lack of contribution to our future may cost us heavily. Paul Walker, yes roll your eyes and complain of how I didn't mourn the loss of the soldiers who died on the borders or the ones fighting wars at Afghanistan and Iraq? Sorry, as much as I respect their contribution into making our lives safer at the cost of their own and their families, I will not slide by the death of a gorgeous blue eyed absolutely drool worthy human who was the only reason why fast and furious was even a choice on HBO. Do I know what his personal life was like? No. Does it matter? No. Didn't we enjoy the series, which hands down will never be the same without Walker? Yes. So mourn damn it. It isn't about equating the death of a celebrity to the deaths of soldiers. It is about acknowledging the passing away of someone who did in a small or big manner bring some cheer to our lives.
This year also saw the passing away of Dr Buch's son in a freak road accident. A very promising career and a wedding awaited this month, the Buch household must be torn. Sometimes I wonder what in the name of destiny could perhaps be written for such young lives lost, but again may be it is destiny's way of taking away the beautiful souls that aren't meant to face the future mankind is building today.

2013 and the political wave of change in India. As much as I personally despise NaMo and his ideology, I would have bet all my money on the citizens of India over throwing the Congress government this time around. Whether it was the small turbaned puppet in the hands of the italian gori mem or the innumerable scams and scandals that rocked the country hollow since the last elections, the country had enough and it was only about time they showed it. Now, I wonder what our future holds? Whether the historic BJP with power hungry hyaenas will drive India out of what seems like an over priced excuse for a country or whether they will drive us to the over used and under delivered 'India is shining' story, only time will tell. It surely is a respite to see a change, as much as the heart went out to a teary Mrs Gandhi, as she delivered a regret speech with a poker face while the sorry excuse for a son, Mr Rahul Gandhi merely looked on and quickly gave a byte or two before he ran to hide indoors. 10 Janpat is about to face a change that I as a loyal citizen of India hopes is one that will provide our citizens the right to live with a little less worry than today.

Talking of political changes, India continued to disappoint when the SC announced its verdict on Homosexuality in India. The lesser said the better. But, for a country that let a juvenile (who brutally raped and abused a dignified woman enough to pull out her intestines and call them noodles) walk away scot-free for his extremely well intended actions, the Supreme Court of India really couldn't have proved their mettle any better. If a Ayushi Talwar case takes 5 years for a verdict and still doesn't provide any evidence for the same, there isn't much to expect from a judicial system that terms love a crime in our country. Applaud, we should make it to the Guinness book of world records for the world's most hypocritical country.

Enough of the bitterness! 2013 was also a year of many celebrations:
The birth of three absolutely lovely baby dolls. Tristan, Adya and Ishaan.
Mile stone exams for the young ones in the family: Siddharth and Fariya.
The soon to be Graduates: Pooja, Sneha and Sonu.
The soon to be Masters: *I me myself*
The 60th: Pramod Uncle
The ones with the new jobs: Ansh, Evelyn, Aaku and Shreek.
The string of engagements: Priyankadi, Malvika, Mythili, Snagda...
The string of re-weddings: Gopal and Hardi
The over achievers: Ansh, Shreek and Sheg
The friends who are placed and placed oh so well: Pratik, Jay and Bhooms!
All the new friends earned, the many new lessons learned, the many experiences gained and the many decisions made.

2013 has been a year of thanking. Thanking for putting the cheer and happiness on the face of loved ones, for a tad of shine in the health of the young and elders, for the luck and hard work of friends, for the blessing of love, for the strong support of parents and a very mature baby sister, for all the smiles, laughs and tears.

Here's hoping the year end is all that every dear one has hoped for. Adios 11.12.13

Because life doesn't pan out the way it does in books.....and movies

"Sometimes in your life you just meet someone or hear something that nudges you on the right path. And that becomes the best advice. It could just be a bit of commonsense said in a way that resonates with something in you. It's nothing new, but because it connects with you it holds meaning for you."

#Blairwaldorf  #Chuckbass #Joy #Yes

“Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.”

-By God knows who.

MBA if definitely not the place to add to the list of gal pals. There is always some competition round the corner and it may as well be from the ones you considered friends.

Ah PFFT.

Can't wait..

I can't wait to kick start a career of my own.

Sometimes we forget what we are worth and always for that realization to reverse, no one but our individual self can help.

I am pretty much in that boat, sailing. I can't wait for the self worth to return and I can say once again, I don't care what they think, I know what I am.

Pushed Over.

Not once, not twice.

Never to be found

In a meadow sprinkled with daisies, sat she.
Forlorn perhaps, perhaps happy.
Her smile didn't convey,
what her heart may have felt.
Her eyes looked so far beyond,
her skin senseless.

The daisies lost their bloom,
as the sun went down.
She turned her back
and walked down the meadow far out to town.

They had seen her happy,
When? They don't remember.
They had heard stories of her smile,
her laughter and her times.
Her eyes shone like gold,
her smile sparkled of love behold.
Her soul fluttered like a butterfly
and her laughter was a roar.

She awaits a time,
when memories would bring her soul back to town,
But, now as the daisies freeze under the layer of snow knee deep,
she walks the cold lanes of the town,
in search of a lost promise,
never to be found.

(Super)Mom

I am glad I have friends, girls who grew up in a similar manner as I did and learned lessons not literally taught by their mom. However, learned simply by imbibing from her. My mom left a flourishing career, one I can say with conviction would have had her on a top notch position had she not quit. Over the years, my sister and I often wondered out loud why she had taken such a step and as we grew, we understood. Yes, our dad traveled 20 days in a month and mom too would work round the clock. Often, we would only so much interact over homework sessions and the coaxing of vegetables at the dinner plate. We would watch her come back from work as late as 8 pm, clean the mess we had created after school, put us down to complete homework while she cooked and drilled algebra into us. She would rush out at vague hours to buy that chart paper for a submission we would have mentioned to her only while going to bed, she would work on it all night and it would be ready for us to take to school in the morning. She ensured she was there at every parent teacher meeting, report card days, first day of school and made it point to attend with dad our annual day events every year without fail. She was there when we suffered the bout of flu, the conjunctivitis. There would be nights when she would put us to peaceful sleep and stay up all night with an attack of asthma.For many nights in a row. Yet, she would be up at 4 am, finishing her daily chores and running out on time by 8 am for work.

Our mom took off from work not when she was ill, but when we had exam prep leave. We never had a cook at home. We always had mom cooked meals. We never missed a submission in school, our science assignments always made it to the exhibition, our festival charts always made it to the school entrance corridors, we were always picked to read the news for the school every morning and deliver the welcome speech at special events in school, we always had large birthday parties and we never missed our friend's birthday party. We never went for tuition, mom was enough for our names to be in the top 10% of class. On Christmas, she would remember to send a gift for the school principal, our nun at the convent. Principal after principal I remember would look forward to that gift every year. During Diwali, we would visit our Hindu teachers and grace them with sweets. At home, she would cook us dishes that were typical of a festival. I don't remember a single time in school where I wondered 'How come I don't have that?'. We would have a table full of gifts and a very thoughtful cake every Birthday morning. I remember calling her at work once and telling her I had cut my finger while peeling a raw mango. All of 7, I remember crying over the phone and telling her how much it hurt. I don't remember how she reacted that evening on getting home or even what she said over the phone, But I remember the comfort I had of calling her and informing her.

As a 4 year old, she put me in a creche once, where I had injured myself bad enough to have had a chunk of flesh hanging out of the ankle giving way to muscle. Mom cried while she saw the doctor wrap my small leg, she cried on her way back home and she cried all night. She could still cry if you asked her to narrate the incident. She still gets a lump in her throat when she talks of how severe she had to be while teaching my sister.

Over the years, we sisters learned, Mom didn't quit her job because she couldn't balance work and home. She quit because she didn't want to be around her daughters only during homework and dinner, she wanted in, in on our daily lives. Every second of it. She didn't want to be the 'scary mom' who 'made us do our homework', she wanted to be the one who picked us up from school and had lunch with us while we told her about our day. She didn't want to the mom who had to think twice before planning a summer holiday, she wanted to be the one taking us where we wanted and when we wanted. She wanted to be there, always. And she is. A guest once asked mom, whether her girls realized the sacrifice of her career she had made to bring them up? Mom simply said, I didn't sacrifice. I would have sacrificed their childhood had I not quit. My girls are not indebted. I wanted to be a mother first.

My Mom was born to be a MoM. The more feminist society would question my father and why he didn't stop his wife from quitting a job she loved and excelled at? However, our dad and we know better. He never asked mom to quit, she was allowed to earn and splurge at will. She was never questioned on her financial statements and where she spent her salary. She would have her weekly off on Thursday, while dad did on Sunday and they handled home and the kids just fine. She could have continued with her career without a question from my dad. With his support and encouragement Mom even started MBA. But, Ma wanted to be a mother first. It was her choice. It has always been her choice. She lives live on her own terms and following the right path.

As girls, we have learned our deepest values, our need to have an opinion, our ability to talk, our freedom to not be home bound, to have friends, to have a personal diary, the clothes we wear and the languages we speak, to chose what we do with our life and how we live it, the need to travel and be independent..from Mom. Whether it was the muslim influenced crazy phase where I called her 'Ammi', to even have the liberty to call her by her name, where she went from Mummy to Ma, to very lovingly Mumma. Everything and anything works with Ma.

For letting Mumma be who she is and accepting her for all her deep set values and her quirks, hats off to Daddy dearest who gave her all the space she ever needed and for giving us, the best gift of a life time.

(This was influenced by a Friend's Article I read this evening. 'The Myth of a Supermom' By Shaziaa Nigar. She has a different take, but I guess we both mean the same thing)

Food for thought

Don't marry a guy unless you want your son to be exactly like him...

I think I need a shrink

Halt die welt an,
Ich will abspringen.

The year that was 23

23 was a giant tiered cake! It was a cake I ate slowly, savoring every bite. Letting every flavor tingle my taste buds and allowing myself be hit with every crunchy munchy within its many layers!

My foundation layer came with my solid base, the family with its unparalleled love and unending support. Year after year, my faith in what I now pronounce a fact 'Our Family is our ONLY source of strength' is restored. They see me through my worst and at my best, they extend all the support I need. Dad, Mom and Pooja they are my foundation layer with its pillars supporting the rest of the many layers! And every inch of this layer is topped with rich creame that states 'Thankful'.

The layer over that came the layer of all the love I have gathered over the last 23 adventurous years! Friends and extended family who have been there through thick and thin over the years. The ones that came and never left. The ones who gained my trust with the least effort and the ones who'll guard me. The ones who'll join me in my craziness and not once say 'I told you so'. The friends handpicked by destiny, so different in every way, yet so similar in many ways. My comfort zone. Saniya, Anisa, Naina, Namita, Shrikala, Andrea, Aakriti, Natasha, Pallavi, Ankur, Shegan, Kavish, Evelyn, Kausar, Arathi Aunty, Moothamma, Vernon, Sneha and Siddharth, Ritty Chechi! My nieces and nephews who make me look forward to the future- Nandika, Fariya, Akshith, Inaaya, Ethan and the newest joy in my life, Tristan. Surya and Rishabh and another bundle of joy along the way! Saleela's lil Aditya. I wish I had the chance to know more closely Vikram's brat Aryan, Vidya's half Indian, half Brit brats and Harsha's half Indian, half Spanish angels, Amrita's brats too. Achan and Amma, without whom Life today is unimaginable. Without being physically here always, they are always in my thoughts. And it goes without saying how much I wish Granny and Grandpa were a part of my comfort zone too. All the lovely cousins from Dad and Mom's side who have over the years been kind and so warm to have extended their regards at every opportunity.

With the foundation strong and the layer above that, rich, the next layer of my cake, the top most layer was carved out with all the new people who crossed my path this last year. Who touched my life and some where left a good memory, a not too tasteful one, a hilarious one, a glance and miss one etc. The Princeton-ians, Namrata, Priya, Shehzad, Ishaan, The MBA lot, the layer of chocolate in my cake, my batch mates - the first befrienders: Arnika, Adwitee, Alka, Anshika, the room mates: Shama, Pradhnya, Kalpana, Bhoomi and Jenny, the neighbors: Siddhi, Shreya, Farah, Atipriya, Manasi, Isha, Lakshmi, Jina, Jenny, Neha Singh, Neha Varma, Atika, Ankita, Amrita! The study group mates: Karthik S, Jay, Santanu Das, Prateek Mohanty,Ankit Papriwal, the friends who turned teachers: Rohan, Saurabh, Shray and Vikrant and the bunch that made Division B what it was, Pratisurya, Pratik, Ankit Jain, Ankit Narula for being the only person who came to me and said with such conviction that I would cake walk through Statistics Internals and I did. The out of place raisins that I didn't appreciate being a part of my cake, Niranjan, Vikas, Jagan Sam, Gajendra, Samata Raje *puke* The seniors who came about to add the layer of jelly, Nikhil, Parag, Parth, Pankaj Baid, Shekhar, Vasav, Rajesh, Apoorva Soni (who yelled at me every time she saw me sitting on the parapet), Tanvi Babar. The teachers who added value: Azar Khan, Dhanorkar Sir, Asawari Ma'am, the co ordinators, PAT, Adya Ma'am, Smita Santoki, Chitnis Ma'am, Sunita Raman, Vaze Sir! This layer was also glazed by many many nuts who added the crunch to the year just as it came to an end, the Bangalore Internship - My nut case roomies and the PG 'gals', Smita, Shruti, Neelam, Bhavana, Akriti, Aditi, Jyoti, Preetu, the nuts I met briefly through Anisa: Suchi, MoonMoon, Abhiram, Mallya, Sam, the nuts I bumped into from bba days, Nadha and Sarath, the nuts I met after eons, Pooja SK and Sameer! The nuts I met at work: Meher and Divya! The gorgeous nut who ensured I got back to the PG safely from Hyderabad: Alexandra!
That pretty much took care of all the fatty yummyness of the topmost layer! Some of these will hopefully with the coming years seep down, to the layer with my comfort zone where they would continue to add the crunch and the munch!

The year also saw some candles melt and burn away- JT, Loli, Rituraj, Abdul, Cheeru (the taste of Malaka Spice) and the year also saw falling out, of a friendship that was perhaps not meant to last.

However, the highlight of my cake, of my giant tiered cake with all its creame, chocolate, jam, nuts garnishing. The highlight of it all, the cherry on my cake, the giant round shiny red yummy that shimmered through my year: Ansh. He came through all the layers and settled on top! I consider it the prime post, the one that makes my cake attractive, the one that adds the glitter to all its layers, the one that is reserved only for the birthday girl from this year and on forever!

I hope 24 proves to be better, richer and blessed with love and warmth of loved ones, new friends and many new experiences!

See you at the other side! *clink clink*

Miss Rascal. (July 19th 2013)

Take a moment

As much as I would have cribbed about it to Dad back in the day, I do miss waking up to MS Subbulakshmi's Suprabhatam and Sai Baba bhajans. There is something so soothing and divine waking up to a prayer in the morning. Whether it was the Our Father in heaven..prayer assembly in my Convent schooling days or the bhajan singing assembly every alternate day in Rishi Valley. The quite moments enjoying the singing along with the moment of silence after, so serene.

Take a moment and bow your head in silence, to the divine.

Its all about getting fucked, kicked in the nuts, slapped in the face, punched in the gut, stabbed in the back, smacked on the head...all, one day at a time. 

Baby Muffins

       
 

So long Loli

I am too devastated to write anything more than how helpless I feel. We all come across many people every day. Some we notice and some we don't. Fortunate ones like me, who go to schools and remember faces, will always remember a face I have met before. And Loli was one I studied 3 years of BBA with. Skinny, almost malnourished with pants barely hanging on his hip. Hair all over his face and tooth half broken smile. He sure was a hit among the Northeastern girls.

All of 23 and studying MBA...

I can't believe what an emotional rush can do to people? Sometimes I think I am so fortunate to be sensitive, but it really is about 'How fortunate are we, we know sense and understand the sense in how sensitive we should be?' Sanity is the most underrated emotion. No one talks about how fortunate we are, we are sane. We talk about how lucky we are we have love. But, sanity? The able mind that reasons and helps us lead normal lives and make rational decisions.

I am devastated today, not thinking of how devastated he must have been. But, thinking how shattered his parents must be. I guess we'll never know the depth of a parent till we are one. I hope Mr God forgives Loli for what he did and gives all the strength in the world for his parents to cope with such precious loss. Loli, I hope is finally at peace and I hope love never drives any of us to an insanity where we forget to value all the love we have around us for a love that probably didn't deserve us.

RIP Loli. You surely will be missed.

Soul sister

I am at work and not having a particularly productive one. Because the servers are down, 90% of the employees are on leave while just two departments are working.

While browsing the usual sites- timesofindia, twitter, ihm's blog, fml and reading up more and more on aerospace in india, it struck me I have not checked Sk's blog in the longest time. Her personal space that she has never shared with anyone, not even her close girlfriends, not even me. I was just a tad bit crooked and I managed to find it. Maybe I am a little crooked smart or maybe I just know her really well. Either way, reading her blog entries has always reassured, that she is doing alright. Of course there have the entries about matters that boggled her mind. However, I'd always find what I would be expecting. That's why when I opened the url this afternoon, it took me by surprise. Not a pleasant one. She is my best friend and I her's. I cannot believe how selfish I have been the last year. Not that she talks of how she misses me or is there anything about me, for that matter. But, Sk while the rest of us talk about she having the time of her life, isn't quite having the time of her life. I doubt she would have spoken to me about all that turmoil within her, but if I had not been so occupied with my own life, I would have kept up with her blog and known what was going on, on her mind. Found a way of getting it out of her.

She's my soul sister. We used to finish each others thoughts in college. Imagine, not sentences, but thoughts. She would hum the beginning and I'd *pat* guess the song. Rarely have we disagreed on any matter of sense or nonsense. Even the times we did disagree,we agreed to disagree rather peacefully. That's just how we are. Yet, here I am a year later regretting I didn't give my sister from another mother the attention she needed.

S is one of the most multifaceted, multi talented people I know in my age group. She's the ultimate communicator. The modulated voice, the poise she maintains, the way she conducts herself. I'd always imagine her hosting a chat show with the world's most powerful. That is simply how powerful she is when she is on stage, with a spotlight on her. She was the mastermind behind the concept of model united nations in college. She's an ace classical dancer and singer. Oh! And she's quite the bomb even on the dance floor. She knows what to wear and when. She knows when a decision has to be taken and we'd always call her the PR machine in college. She knew everyone, wait no, everyone knew her. Entertaining debater and the queen of 'just a minute''(jam). While the rest of us fret over what we'd do with our lives after graduating. She had a well paying job that she kicked after 6 months to pursue something that made her happy. She developed an effective method of managing finance for the slum of Dharaavi in Bombay. While the rest of us got ourselves dissatisfying jobs in air conditioned offices, S slogged the Mumbai locals/humidity/the rains and traveled to Dharaavi almost everyday because it satisfied her inner self. She rocked the social circuit in Bombay and hosted some big events and met some top notch people. All on her own merit. She even got herself the job of the personal assistant to her idol, Shashi Tharoor, which of course she had to decline because her parents asked her to steer clear of politics. S would make a great politician. When the time was right and she just knows when it is, she quit the job and moved back to Doha to prepare for higher studies. Again, while I gave up on GMAT after a disappointing score and settled for the option I had on hand. S went on to take the damn exam thrice and aced it with a 700. You see what I am talking about? Now, she's juggling between hosting a segment on the radio, teaching Qatari kids English, taking classical music and dance lessons for all the Indian kids and wait for it, taking communication workshops for kids and interested people for TED Talks. Icing, right? Now, this is how we see Sk!

S on the other hand is fighting a whole different inner turmoil. She is beyond disappointed about not getting through the progs she desired for Masters. She is fighting a phase of í-am-not-doing-enough-with-my-life. She thinks she has lost sight of her ambition. At the same time she is wondering whether she'd be happy being over ambitious enough to climb the ladder so up high that she'd find herself all too lonely up there. She despises what asshole Shb did to her. I didn't think she was this beaten, but going by those blogs, S is really hurt. B still haunts her mind. I think she has developed a notion of, I'll never be in a relationship where the guy wont walk out abruptly. She's worried her life is stalling and she says even though her world is crowded with people she loves, she really is lonely inside.

I wish I could pile a stack of money and take a trip to Doha to meet dear dear Sk and stop her from fretting out of context. Remind her what a school of talent she is and a stupid piece of paper isn't going to make her any more or less talented.

This one I know from the bottom of my heart is headed places, far better than the reach of any of us. I love her to bits and I am going to try and be a better friend and sister to the one person who really was meant to be my twin. (Of course not going by the pool of talent she holds and the drum of nothingness I hold)

If you love and get hurt, love more. If you love more and hurt more, love even more. If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more…”

—	William Shakespeare Please someone tell him that he broke me like no one else has.

Encashing

July 6th'12- Interaction evening, the beginning of the crush
July 8th'12-The first time we started talking
July 15th'12- Exchange of numbers
July 16th'12- 2 am First text sms
July 20th'12- The first time I said hi, face to face
July 21st'12- Called me Paneer Tikka
Somewhere in between, Happened our first movie Cocktail, the first time he sang for me, 'Te Amo' and the time he said he really likes me *blush*
Aug 4th'12- First Fight (such a silly fight)
Aug 11th'12- Fresher's night. With a date. Crazy quikie on a bus!
Though very drunk, we had a magical absolutely unplanned kiss. I thought of this moment for many nights before I went to sleep. I would plan my dreams so I could wake up with a smile I was going to bed with
Aug 16th'12- Our first night out, Miami. ONE CRAZY NIGHT. I had the best sleep that night.
Aug 27th'12- The Beginning
Sep 3rd'12- My first time with him on his birthday, also the first time I said, I love you. Also, the first time I woke up next to (only) him.
Sep 15th'12- The first time I spent 3 nights away from him.
Then I lost track of dates....
I had my first bike ride with him.
We went grocery shopping, it turned out to be more fun every time we did.
We watched many a movies
Delhi Belly, The Moon, Heroin, Barfi, Chakravyuh, Race2, Dabaang 2, Student of the year, Special26, Matru ki bijlee ka Mandola, Talaash, Jurassic park 3, Iron man3
We did have some crazy outings,
Many many memorable evenings at Mezz9,
Trying various washrooms for a quickie,
Our moonlight kiss,
Some great conversations at the swings on the college campus(SIC), walking around that campus, fooling around, pulling each other's leg, taking each other's case, talking about sooooo many things, some of the best hugs, some of the best kisses in the 'kissing' strait, some kisses that caught me off guard and made me forget the conversation
Some conversations where he advised me and pulled me up from the dumps, some moments where we just sat without speaking, just holding hands and spending time together,
Moments in the dining hall where we laughed silently at a lot of people,
All those times, we stood by each other,
Many many nights at TI,
Escaping the crowd on Holi and going away,
Planning a trip to Goa or Bombay and being horrible planners and never ending up going,
So many loved filled smses, whats app conversations,
Getting past all the crazy stories people made up on campus,
Fighting because we didn't get to spend enough time together,
That moment when he was placed and I couldn't contain my happiness,
The time we lost our senses and went in to 'quickie' mode during a movie,
The time he pecked me on my forehead in front of my class,
The time at Farewell party, where we got really drunk and we danced our butt off,
The many songs he recorded, the many evenings we had him serenading,
Many lil gifts exchanged,
Many sweet nothings whispered,
Many happy tears shed,
Many conversations planning our future,
The 8 monthiversaries!

There has been just sooo many of many moments and times..

It was different from the beginning you know...it was all too special and it didn't take more than a week to realize it...

Sleep tight little one

Two years of my Rishi Valley (boarding school) years, I had absolutely despised the sight of a Junior, 4 years junior to my batch. Just his small round fat frame with those big balloon cheeks and eyes that shone with mischief would put me off. And as was chalked out, he didn't like me either. The little brat. He would often walk right into the 'batik' class and dip his hands in the boiling wax and smirk. Yea? No big deal, I know. We all did it. But he would do it like he was trying to prove how macho his little frame was. UGH I couldn't stand him. We often exchanged dirts. I referred to him as 'Rituraaaaaaaj'. See! Just the way I said it, would tick him off further.

By the end of my stay at Rishi Valley, he grew by two years. Not only did he get leaner and taller, but he also got more bearable. We did stop shooting dirts. After I left, I would see him on facebook. Not that we were in touch or even on each other's friend's list. But, via mutual friends, I did know he was doing very well for himself and he was on the brink of dawning a Top Chef Hat. Often, wondered what it would have been to really get to know the little brat.

Today, as I logged in to facebook and as usual randomly liked a few things on the timeline and scrolled down to Rishi Valley news, there it was. A father (Only god, and I mean it. Only god knows, how he must have mustered the courage) posted a line about his son passing away yesterday(05-05-13). Broke me. Rituraj is no more. I don't know what happened and I don't know why it happened. My fingers shivered mailing his dad my condolences.

I want to yell my lungs out and truly  mean it when I say, I wish I could have given him my life. That boy was a wonder. I knew him when I was 14, he must have been 10. This was just no time for a wonder to be snatched away from the world we have made today.

I hope his devilish grin keeps all of paradise charmed and I hope he cooks finger licking delicacies. May be someday, when we all get there, RV-iets would have a little re union and he would perhaps like to treat us with his goodies. Till then, Rest In Peace little one. You will be missed. 

When the rain starts to pour..

I have watched them for over a decade now. Even before I could make much sense out of it, I remember being amazed by these characters. Then, slowly sense started dawning and by 2004, when the show was wrapping up and I was away at boarding school. My mother informed me the last season was airing soon. All of us in the dorm huddled and talked about it for hours and could simply not wait till summers to catch the season finale. Many years since, I still watch those repeats every time they air on television, even better the last year I have watched them at my own leisure by owning all the epic series on my laptop, a click away. F.R.I.E.N.D.S

It is only the last 4-5 nights, I have spent wide awake and in the company of these episodes that I realize how much this show has taught without as much as a second of classroom teaching. There is wisdom parted with in all those laughs and tears. This show even back when we weren't used to the idea of homosexuality opened our minds to it. Ross the paleontologist and his later revealed lesbian wife Carol tapped homosexuality and made us accept it. I for one, am so comfortable with that orientation. Not that I am one or know anyone who is. But, I understand it and have no qualms with it. We are all gifted and created by a superior power and if he willed for it to be a certain way, well thank him and appreciate it.

It was alright for Rachel to leave Barry at the alter. Why? Because she chose love over the green papers! Over the episodes she evolves into the independent, absolutely ravishing lady from the very lost girl in the very first episode. Inspiring to say the least. Yes, she is made out to be quite the blonde but she proves them all wrong with a very strong mind of her own. Not only does she cut out the credit cards from her father, she also earns her bucks and spends it too. She falls in love, loses her trust and doesn't quite gain it back till she is sure. Right there, not one to be weakened but to hold her ground and take her own time. She mothers a love child and goes on to show that it is alright, it can be done and a signature on a paper isn't going to prove how a marriage would work out.

Phoebe, with all her quirks and wisdom. How many of us have that one friend in our lives, who is out there, speaks her mind loud and clear, has the utmost weird stories from her childhood and maintains herself the way she is year after year while the rest of us try to fit in? Can we think of someone like that? I can't. But, I do look for a Phoebe in all my friends, in myself too. Phoebe says, no we don't need to fit in. We need to be our self. The world is going to push you to change yourself and your ideals. But, is that worth losing yourself and becoming one of them? Ah NO way! She falls in love multiple times and gets rid of the guy the second she has to compromise on her ideals. There is the bold truth in her character. She finds Mike who accepts her for what she is. With all her rats, her ghastly paintings and all her quirks. Now, right then she doesn't mind dressing up for his upper east side parents, all for the Love of Mike and for the one who accepted her for what she is.

Monica! For every time we have belittled the little fat dorky ones in class, look what this one turns out to be? Yes, I know she molds in to someone who perfectly fits in the crowd. But, hey is there a single episode we don't notice the little fat girl who is hidden in that slim suit? Monica is a character I often see shades of me in. She finds everything she ever looked for, in Richard but she could let even that go when he tells her a family isn't what he wanted. If she could let go of love, must we really crib about the minute things we crib about? Would you accept a friend back in your life if they returned over a decade later? She accepts Rachel with all her heart. She toils in the kitchen when Joey wants turkey and Phoebe wants her mashed potatoes. Of course she seeks appreciation, but she does what ever it takes to spread the love she has. She doesn't fail to be a constant support to Ross. When every one called him gay, Monica sees the man behind the funny guy-Chandler.

Chandler!! I wish all of us had a Chandler in our lives. I know Chandler portrays the care free happy joke joke joke guy, but there is SO much more that character conveys. Chandler is the eternal friend. He pounds guilty for lying to Joey, he's terrified of Ross for going behind his back and dating Monica. He's there for Rachel when he thinks she needs a friend and he is the perfect husband to Monica. Chandler's character says, so what If I have no job and I live on my wife's job, if I have to find something I love doing? So what, if she wants that big wedding? And he proves he has the best heart when he doesn't blame Monica when they cant conceive. The show talks about IVF, surrogacy and adoption at a time when these concepts were just finding their space in the world. Chandler is a honest man, one that can't take lies and a man who accepts he may not be everything Richard was, but he can be exactly the guy who'll keep Monica happy, eternally!

He may not share food, nor remember the names of the ladies he bed, but Joey hands down is the nicest guy on the show! He steps up when he thinks Phoebe is pregnant and proposes to marry her. He doesn't think twice about letting the love of his life, Rachel get away because he wouldn't hurt Ross. He steps up once again, when Rachel has a baby. He waits with a baseball bat outside Monica and Chandler's when he thinks Monica is cheating on Chandler. He questions Mike, like he were Phoebe's dad before Phoebe and Mike get married. He gives Phoebe her magical Kiss. He does what ever it takes to keep Monica and Chandler's love story hidden. He never takes advantage of Rachel's vulnerability. There, that's what friends are for!

So what if you are divorced thrice and dating girls from various age groups and education fields, if you have loved and felt it, you'll have it..isn't that what really Ross is about? Behind that geek, is really a man who loved the same girl ever since Junior Prom. He loved, had, cheated, learned his lesson and waited (of course married and dated a few in between) till the love of his life came around. Don't we learn to 'accept' from Ross? Albeit with a lot of fuss, he accepts Carol is gay, he accepts Susan and Carol bringing up his son Ben. He accepts Rachel needs her space and has to live her life. He accepts to take over baby sitting Emma and asking Rachel to go have fun! He accepts, Chandler is perfect for Monica. He accepts his little sister is not little any more. He accepts Phoebe's anger towards him and helps her realize why? He accepts Joey's love for Rachel. Right there, acceptance!

FRIENDS, took us through homosexuality, through ups and downs of good jobs, bad jobs and no jobs. Of living with friends and moving on. Of loving and losing. Of Christmas and Hanukkah. Of old Christmas trees and Young Christmas tress. Of dating the young and the old. Of conceiving and carrying babies for your brother and his too old wife. Of surrogacy and adoption. Of being part Jew. Of being fat and thin. Of being perfect and failing. Of being imperfect and winning. Of patching up with lost family and accepting them. Of forgiveness. Of making new friends and never losing the old ones.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S for me is all about this and I hope I never get over the repeats and I hope I keep discovering more goodness in them. 

Bengaluru

I can't believe what a chicken I am being. After months of being glad that I had landed a great internship in my dream city. The last 72 hours have been about crying into a pillow and repelling any friendly vibe in the new city.

Then come along the cockroaches. One giant one kept me awake all of last night. Sleeping on the floor gives you a stiff back in any weather, lesson learned from last night. Have been here the last 3 days and not unpacked yet. Why? Because there are roaches all over the cupboard. How am I supposed to unpack my vero modas, zaras, mangos and gorgeous formals into that? There is no shoe rack and I am supposed to dry my under clothes in the Bathroom! The commode has no seat, I'd like to know how the room mate has been using a western loo without a damn seat on it? Wait, there is more! The wifi in my room has negligible strength. I bought a great web cam. For what? To look like a mash of myself to the person on the other side of the world wide web. I have conveniently skipped breakfast and lunch the last 2 days, yet I am not weak. I don't even want to imagine what awaits at dinner. This stinks. Everything about it stinks. I cannot believe I am being a whiner. 

As I whined a little to my sister this morning, she made me realize that may be the real issue isn't any of the aforementioned issues, may be the real issue is 'Ansh'. Maybe the real issue is, I haven't been this far away knowing I wont be seeing him for a long time. Maybe the issue is, I have come to be emotionally involved so heavily, I can't get myself to accept anything beyond that. I am in love and this is just how I am going to be the coming 8 weeks, I guess. 

Well, then I am just lucky, ain't I? Who gets to be loved SO much that they can't stand anything around them, that nothing matches up to the level of goodness a single emotion can provide?

I am such a mess, ain't I?

The Wedding that was...

I watched Rendezvous, as I often do. This show charmed me as kid. I loved the way Simi Garewal conducted it. Her poise, the way she modulated her voice, the personal touch she added to it. Every guest on the show behaved like they were seated in her living room. Of course a tad bit pretentious at times, but this show just takes me back to childhood. Days when English shows on Indian Television were rare and an English Channel was even more rare.

This particular tit bit is from the hour long session Simi has with Saif Ali Khan and his then wife Amrita Singh.  I watched it tonight and I don't remember watching this particular one as a child. Even if I had, I don't think it would have tickled my thoughts, the way it did tonight.

Here is a couple, if you watch the link, you'll realize, SO comfortable with each other. The way they hold hands in the beginning or how he nudges her hand away in the middle. They speak of their steamy love affair and their find-a-ring-and-get-married-quick wedding. Absolutely no qualms of talking about their physical attraction and their comfort level. The way he looks at her while she is talking, giving her the space to speak her mind. Amrita seems in her element. She doesn't seem like she's holding a facade. Saif seems more himself than he seems today. (Whether he was pretending then or pretending today is a mystery) They exude every bit the couple in love and comfort.
They speak of all the fun times they shared, the way their marriage grew. She says, as normal as it is for any woman to be insecure of her husband to be in an industry such as Bollywood, she was never one to be a watchdog. She gives a very smart example of what she is trying to convey. Saif speaks of the times when he has needed his quite, his peace, the space and how willingly she allowed it.
Somewhere in the middle of it, there is a mention of 'whether this would run in the long run' and they brush it off with 'why not?'.

There isn't one thing there that gave out what was meant to happen years after. She gave up her career and says she is content with a loving husband, a family, their baby. He looks dapper, happy, the smile reaching his eyes. Yes, their age difference very evident, but not one to weaken the bond. Then why?
Why did they fall apart years after? Two beautiful kids later. What could have changed? Did the master become cautious? Did that push his prized possession to be curious about what lay beyond the boundaries? Did she push it to happen? Did he think it would be alright?

Growing up, I have seen lovely couples bloom into weddings that have lasted the test of time and I have seen lovely couples wither the bloom of the wedding. I have seen some hold onto the last drops of dew to keep the life in the marriage. I have seen them work and seen them fall apart. I wish we could really put a finger on why things work the way they work or the way they don't work the way they should have worked.

I have come to value the sacred roots of what makes a wedding a marriage and I only hope I weave someday a marriage of my own. One that is spun with the yarns I gather over the years and yarns we will add of our own.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YWWGMrCW5Q

In you, there is me

This life of mine is a jigsaw puzzle. Pieces of all kinds. Some fit just right, some take a while to sit, some are too obvious, while some need a bit of thinking. My family is the border of this puzzle, I find my pieces according to the outline, my family is my definition. However, over the years I have looked out for a glue to hold my fragments together. Especially all those times when I didn't want to take charge of my life and I wanted someone apart from family and girlfriends to hold it all together and tell me, 'even if all hell broke loose and I wouldn't have a clue of where I have got to go or what I have to do, I could look just beyond me and find a solution in the existence of you.'

At all of 23, I realize I have found that support, the glue that holds my world together. I know he'd hold my world together for me, not because it is my world but because I know if it means a lot to me, it would mean a lot to him. HIM. He! He marks my beginning and I wont see an end without him. I have loved and lost. But, this one I will guard all my life because not until this one did I realize how incomplete I was. 

I know there are men out there, willing to get me the stars and the moon, but I have found someone who'll stand with me under the moonlit, star studded sky forever. I don't know what this relationship is based on..I cannot as much as I'd like put a finger on it. But, there is a deep rooted bond. One I love to believe comes from a lot of love and emotional dependency.

Muffin, I know we have a tough phase going on and both of us are at a point where we are wrapped in work  and need to concentrate on that front. You have all my support, baby. You give your job 100% and I'll give my academics 100% and I'll give "us" 250% and on days when I fall short of a few percent, you could be a doll and fill the gaps! I value you with all I have got. You're my prized possession. I could never unlove you, in you there is me and if I were to stop loving you, I would lose me.

"I can never take u fr granted its just that I know that we gonna be together forever come wat may coz of the love and bond we share. Everyday I wake up I knw I m gonna live this day and not die does that mean that I can take my life for granted. No its just that I hv dis faith dat I m gonna live. Similarly I hv the faith dat dis is gonna last forever n ever. I need u, the only happy moment in my boring day is wen I hear a hi from u. Wen I see u standing next to me I can't stop smiling not blushing. Dat day wen after office I saw u sitting niche I cudnt control my happiness I was so happy. U can see it. I can't fake all dis I really love u. Wid u in my life I feel that there is someone who is dere fr me who thinks abt me. Watever big or small that happens in my life u r the 1st person I share with. I don't need options wen I hv u. I can't tell u hw much this means to me. 

Don't leave me I will lose my path if u r gonna leave my hand. U r my gps I love u"

This is by far the sweetest thing I have received on a day full of melancholy. It helped me gain perspective and made me realize how much I am needed and just how much I can't do without. 

There is no one who can guard you, the way you can guard yourself. Think twice before you let a fragment of yourself loose, for you never know when a fragment could weaken the rest of you. 

Smoldering

You know it is one thing to be messy and a whole different thing to be filthy. Ever since, there has been the sense of fear, it has been of only two things.Solely two things. One, the fear of losing loved ones and two, the fear of creepy crawlers. Tonight is so not about the first fear, although at the rate I am fuming, my loved ones will surely lose me soon.

From when the memory starts to instill, I have despised the mere sight of one of those smallest devils. I inherit it from my mother and we have over the years screamed, yelped and almost cried at the sight of these.  That is also why we are obsessively compulsively disorderly when it comes to cleanliness. Scrubbing and cleaning every chance we get. I think as a family we spend the most on cleaners, toners, antibacterial fragrances, candles, room fresheners, naphthalene balls, cupboard perfumes, washroom salts..we even have a different brush and mop for every accessory fit in the washroom. To cut it short, we could spend all our savings to keep our space as humanly exist-able as possible.

Moving to a hostel has not changed that about me. I am keeping my spot squeaky clean. I have my room fresheners  my antiseptics, my hand sanitizers, my clean wipes, my anti bacterial detergents. I have no qualms spending on washroom cleaners fortnight after fortnight, without asking my room mates to pitch in. No, they wont. I even got them the largest bottle of dettol available. CLEAN, people, CLEAN. So, when I am doing this much, how do I react to finding a brood of rather chirpy creepers on the common basin? HOW DO I NOT REACT TO IT? HOW ARE THEY SO CALM ABOUT IT? WORMS ARE A SIGN OF FILTH. DAMN IT. So, while I threw with my own hands the family of creepers out and scrubbed the basin clean with dettol, I barely got "oh" from the room mate.

My nails are blue and I have scratched myself like a possessed soul less body. I think as sleep crawls into my eyelids, I am going to have the worst nightmare. This has got to be the WORST experience ever. Youngest in the room and perturbed beyond my senses, when the older ones..wait 25 years to be precise are eating. Eating without washing hands for sure. YUCK. I want to scream into my pillow and shed my skin, so I can feel clean. But, thats not possible is it?

Don't tell me I am over reacting. I have a phobia and unless you have one of your own, you really don't know what phobias do to you. And if you do have a phobia, I want to meet you and cry with you.

  

    



In a very VERY rancorous mood,

Miss Rascal.

Beyond borders

"There is Nothing on this earth should stop you from being you or from being happy, get rid off what makes u sad whether its someone, a job , even a city! You dont have to be miserable be happy do what u feel like not what others expect u to do! Screw ppl who cares screw that lousy man/woman/friend whatever that is! Relationships should be easy why chase rejection or a constant heartache u deserve better so suck it up and stand for yourself!"

I found this while I was going through a conversation with a friend. Yasmine, from all the way in Jerusalem has always provided such few but always sensible lines. I am going to dig up more of these and compile them and probably send it to her on her next birthday. 

A milestone

To feel such happiness within seconds is unbelievable. For me such happiness really arises only when it involves some crazy feat by family or me myself. That goose-bumpy, tummy in knots feeling when one of us achieved something we dearly wanted. My explanation for such a feeling is simple, when we have a common goal and we see how much this means to the other person, knowingly or unknowingly you're channeling all your wishes in hoping they achieve what they want. And none of that is felt unless, the person is closest to your heart, where in your happiness lies in theirs and theirs in yours. 

This evening was one such moment for me. One phone call later, I was lying in bed, staring at the roof and not knowing what to do about all the happiness I couldn't contain. Was I to yelp in joy, shed happy tears or what? Then I met him and heard of the achievement from the horse's mouth himself. Sigh! Such sheer happiness. 

Of course I never doubted his capabilities and like everyone who knows him, I know he's headed places. Yes, it is normal to try and fail and be disappointed over the failure time and again. The thing about achieving something after having failed multiple times is, the win is so much more sweeter and all the struggle seems so much more worth it. 

One of the major milestones,among the many many to come, I hope each of them is crossed with greater success and gain. I can't wait to experience all those tummy knotted happy moments of his future achievements and to see the happiness, twinkle in his caramel brown eyes. 

*clink clink* to knowing my happiness lies in his. 

One less smile

How often did I speak to him? Often? Never. Did I know him? Yes, of course. Did he make a difference? Yes, he did. How often do you meet someone, handicapped by sight but jovial beyond measure? He was that guy. A year junior to me and I interacted with him only during an academic summit we were hosting. He was the genius behind it. Every year, the college admitted a few students under the handicap category. Year after year, it were these students who redefined genius for the rest of us. He was no less. I personally didn't know anyone in college who smiled the amount he did. Actually, I don't remember seeing him without a smile ever. Intelligent, tall, good looking and the smile always. We often said, if that guy wasn't blind and if the girls were really just human, he would have been the ultimate babe magnet. Usually seen with girls, who were just more willing than the boys,to help him around. Not like the boys didn't help. He had two guy friends who were his best buds. Never saw the trio without each other.
He was definitely the smartest in the junior batch and one to come up with some genius ideas for us seniors to work with. Very jovial and always one to call your name if you passed by. Loved by the faculty, classmates and the seniors. C'mon, none of us got that lucky.

Last night when I received a text saying someone was in dire need of blood, little did I know how much I could have helped. Being an universal donor, I despise myself for being too damn fragile to be fit enough to donate. Or maybe I hide under the excuse because I am too darned scared of a god damn needle. Last night, he fought for his life on a surgery table, for blood. No, he didn't make it. Abdul Razique Khan didn't make it. I don't know, if it were because of lack of blood. All I know is, he fought for his life last night while I slept completely unaware, even with a smart phone on hand. I don't know if he would have made it, had he got the blood on time. All I know is, I wouldn't have felt the punch in my stomach, knowing that in our current times, where the world is filled with uncertainties of all kinds, we could have used that positive smile. Call me selfish, but we needed that smile to believe the world is still worth living in.

I hope there does exist a heaven and he hope he finds himself a very cozy spot there. I hope he looks down and continues to spread the contagious smile for he is going to be missed by a lot of people who know that we are less of one very precious smile.

Rest In Peace. :'(

iMiss :'(

Ek ghar basaane chahata hoon,
main tumhare saath.
Kya doogi mere haathon mein,
bolo tum aapna haath?


Khushiyon se ghar ko sajaoonga hamesha,
daftar se bhi main waqt pe aaonga hamesha.
Laoonga main thode taaza phool bhi,
Karoonga main puri har khushi,
Maanoonga main manoonga,
manoonga har ek baat.


Kya doogi mere haathon mein,
bolo tum aapna haath?


Chanda aur sitare laoonga teri khatir,
tum joh kaho main woh gaoonga teri khatir.
Chalo yeh bhi tumse vaada hai mera,
chahoonga main tumhe toot ke.
Jitna satao ya rulao tum,
jaaonga na kahin rooth ke.

Aaonga main aaonga, aaonga tere paas.

Kya doogi mere haathon mein bolo tum aapna haath?

SO smitten by this song. Also, new found loop-ing 'Mera Tumhara' from the same album, Socha Na Tha.

Its amazing.

10/01/13 Our first mutual goal achieved.

When the crowd cheered and for a moment there, everything was quite and I focused on one face. He was ecstatic. Taking time to realize it, but happy nonetheless. Again, being a true senior, he rounded his team, cheered them and then had his individual moment of joy. How often do you get to see such humility in a game? I wouldn't know. It was the first for me. Our first win.

Hey! I may sound a tad over board, but I am excited because I took interest in this game and I don't know how the finals will turn out, but today as of this moment, we won a match and that is pretty much a deal for me.

To take up something together, for the first time and actually winning it together as a team, that, right there is reason enough for me to be over the moon.

To many many more mutual goals and many many more wins, *clink clink* 

We win some and we lose some.

I sat through multiple games of cricket today. For the first time, in so many years, I was bothered to follow the game and enjoy it too. You want to know why? Because the game means SO much to him. Months back I was told about the premier league at the institute and over the months after that I noticed how much he loved the game and many a times, I thought I would try to read about it and learn. However, if adorable Rahul Dravid and cute Yuvraj Singh couldn't get me to learn about the game, reading about it online was just a *yawn*. Then I thought, maybe I would contribute and buy a team. So, I started with a lot of haste, asking him silly questions about the game and then once he spoke for about 45 minutes, explaining minute details of the game, to me. I confess, I didn't understand all of it, but it surely caught my attention.

I did contribute a meager amount and buy a team and as a cherry on the cake, I bought him too. I think it would have crushed all my learning spirits had my team not been able to buy him at the players auction. This sweet sense of knowing, I own him. Call me crazy but I have such a sense of ownership, at the moment.

Today, we had our first game. Although, we didn't perform to our best abilities. I watched him play and boy! I didn't want us to win because it was our team or because winning is such an achievement. I wanted us to win because I could see how much he wanted to win. For a little while there, he was a little aggressive and I hoped he wouldn't lose his cool and he didn't. He played, put in his efforts, he was disappointed at the end of the game and he did sulk for a while but the best part is, he didn't brood. He was over it and back to normal in a jiffy. (So mature, no?) I love that. I love that about him. I love how sure he is of himself and how he knows what he is worth.

It made me so happy to see him play, to take on the court the way he did. I am so happy, I am taking an interest in the game, for his sake. If not today, I am sure we'll have a future time and moment where we would really discuss a game of cricket and all its aspects. And, when that happens, I'll know it was this phase at college and it was him, who really got me interested in this sport. It will always be because of him.

Lobster

Among all the turmoil I felt, same time last night and all the indifference I felt this morning, when I woke up. Among all the regret in the head and such deep sadness in the heart. Among everything I told myself I didn't want and everything I really wanted..among all that chaos in the head, I didn't once think hearing my name from the one voice my ears were craving for all day would make all the haze in my head clear out in a matter of seconds. Believe it or not. The one person I didn't want to as much as bump into was the one person I was dying to see.

I tried, very very hard to not let him affect me. I kept my gaze low, tried to pull away from the warmth of his palms, tried to not let my heart melt when I heard the quiver in his voice. I sat there, listening to him plead guilty and say sorry. Did I want him to be sorry? Yes. Did I want him to be guilty? No. Did I enjoy seeing him in that state? Hell No. The harder I tried to cut away, the harder I pulled closer. Here was someone I didn't want to see ever again and he was exuding the same vibe, that I needed the most.

Sometimes, life in all its experiments, makes us cross paths with people/person who will in a strange manner capture us and then life as we know it, will change. I have crossed that path and I am more than captured. I am owned. Life as I knew it, has changed. Today, in all my 'cant-be-bothered' state, my name on his lips is all it took for me to go weak in my knees and want him more than ever before. Of course, I was pricey. Not because I wanted him to plead, but I was testing my ability. For the first time, I was not disappointed by my lack of ability. Can I do without him? No. Do I want this forever? Yes.

Season 4, 90210, that last episode where Naomi and Max finally reunite and where she barges into the venue and tells him she has always loved him and he goes to her later with the quiver in his voice and the wet eyes, to tell her he has always loved her too, That moment right there..with the beautiful backdrop and the gorgeous 'oh so much in love' twosome, I couldn't help but feel that perhaps how I felt this evening is how Naomi would have felt. Ah! The crazies.

This is crazy. This is more than just a bond. This is way more than I expected. This, I don't have words to describe. Have I found my lobster? Only, Time will tell and I cannot wait to discover, yes I did.