Take a moment

As much as I would have cribbed about it to Dad back in the day, I do miss waking up to MS Subbulakshmi's Suprabhatam and Sai Baba bhajans. There is something so soothing and divine waking up to a prayer in the morning. Whether it was the Our Father in heaven..prayer assembly in my Convent schooling days or the bhajan singing assembly every alternate day in Rishi Valley. The quite moments enjoying the singing along with the moment of silence after, so serene.

Take a moment and bow your head in silence, to the divine.

Its all about getting fucked, kicked in the nuts, slapped in the face, punched in the gut, stabbed in the back, smacked on the head...all, one day at a time. 

Baby Muffins

       
 

So long Loli

I am too devastated to write anything more than how helpless I feel. We all come across many people every day. Some we notice and some we don't. Fortunate ones like me, who go to schools and remember faces, will always remember a face I have met before. And Loli was one I studied 3 years of BBA with. Skinny, almost malnourished with pants barely hanging on his hip. Hair all over his face and tooth half broken smile. He sure was a hit among the Northeastern girls.

All of 23 and studying MBA...

I can't believe what an emotional rush can do to people? Sometimes I think I am so fortunate to be sensitive, but it really is about 'How fortunate are we, we know sense and understand the sense in how sensitive we should be?' Sanity is the most underrated emotion. No one talks about how fortunate we are, we are sane. We talk about how lucky we are we have love. But, sanity? The able mind that reasons and helps us lead normal lives and make rational decisions.

I am devastated today, not thinking of how devastated he must have been. But, thinking how shattered his parents must be. I guess we'll never know the depth of a parent till we are one. I hope Mr God forgives Loli for what he did and gives all the strength in the world for his parents to cope with such precious loss. Loli, I hope is finally at peace and I hope love never drives any of us to an insanity where we forget to value all the love we have around us for a love that probably didn't deserve us.

RIP Loli. You surely will be missed.

Soul sister

I am at work and not having a particularly productive one. Because the servers are down, 90% of the employees are on leave while just two departments are working.

While browsing the usual sites- timesofindia, twitter, ihm's blog, fml and reading up more and more on aerospace in india, it struck me I have not checked Sk's blog in the longest time. Her personal space that she has never shared with anyone, not even her close girlfriends, not even me. I was just a tad bit crooked and I managed to find it. Maybe I am a little crooked smart or maybe I just know her really well. Either way, reading her blog entries has always reassured, that she is doing alright. Of course there have the entries about matters that boggled her mind. However, I'd always find what I would be expecting. That's why when I opened the url this afternoon, it took me by surprise. Not a pleasant one. She is my best friend and I her's. I cannot believe how selfish I have been the last year. Not that she talks of how she misses me or is there anything about me, for that matter. But, Sk while the rest of us talk about she having the time of her life, isn't quite having the time of her life. I doubt she would have spoken to me about all that turmoil within her, but if I had not been so occupied with my own life, I would have kept up with her blog and known what was going on, on her mind. Found a way of getting it out of her.

She's my soul sister. We used to finish each others thoughts in college. Imagine, not sentences, but thoughts. She would hum the beginning and I'd *pat* guess the song. Rarely have we disagreed on any matter of sense or nonsense. Even the times we did disagree,we agreed to disagree rather peacefully. That's just how we are. Yet, here I am a year later regretting I didn't give my sister from another mother the attention she needed.

S is one of the most multifaceted, multi talented people I know in my age group. She's the ultimate communicator. The modulated voice, the poise she maintains, the way she conducts herself. I'd always imagine her hosting a chat show with the world's most powerful. That is simply how powerful she is when she is on stage, with a spotlight on her. She was the mastermind behind the concept of model united nations in college. She's an ace classical dancer and singer. Oh! And she's quite the bomb even on the dance floor. She knows what to wear and when. She knows when a decision has to be taken and we'd always call her the PR machine in college. She knew everyone, wait no, everyone knew her. Entertaining debater and the queen of 'just a minute''(jam). While the rest of us fret over what we'd do with our lives after graduating. She had a well paying job that she kicked after 6 months to pursue something that made her happy. She developed an effective method of managing finance for the slum of Dharaavi in Bombay. While the rest of us got ourselves dissatisfying jobs in air conditioned offices, S slogged the Mumbai locals/humidity/the rains and traveled to Dharaavi almost everyday because it satisfied her inner self. She rocked the social circuit in Bombay and hosted some big events and met some top notch people. All on her own merit. She even got herself the job of the personal assistant to her idol, Shashi Tharoor, which of course she had to decline because her parents asked her to steer clear of politics. S would make a great politician. When the time was right and she just knows when it is, she quit the job and moved back to Doha to prepare for higher studies. Again, while I gave up on GMAT after a disappointing score and settled for the option I had on hand. S went on to take the damn exam thrice and aced it with a 700. You see what I am talking about? Now, she's juggling between hosting a segment on the radio, teaching Qatari kids English, taking classical music and dance lessons for all the Indian kids and wait for it, taking communication workshops for kids and interested people for TED Talks. Icing, right? Now, this is how we see Sk!

S on the other hand is fighting a whole different inner turmoil. She is beyond disappointed about not getting through the progs she desired for Masters. She is fighting a phase of í-am-not-doing-enough-with-my-life. She thinks she has lost sight of her ambition. At the same time she is wondering whether she'd be happy being over ambitious enough to climb the ladder so up high that she'd find herself all too lonely up there. She despises what asshole Shb did to her. I didn't think she was this beaten, but going by those blogs, S is really hurt. B still haunts her mind. I think she has developed a notion of, I'll never be in a relationship where the guy wont walk out abruptly. She's worried her life is stalling and she says even though her world is crowded with people she loves, she really is lonely inside.

I wish I could pile a stack of money and take a trip to Doha to meet dear dear Sk and stop her from fretting out of context. Remind her what a school of talent she is and a stupid piece of paper isn't going to make her any more or less talented.

This one I know from the bottom of my heart is headed places, far better than the reach of any of us. I love her to bits and I am going to try and be a better friend and sister to the one person who really was meant to be my twin. (Of course not going by the pool of talent she holds and the drum of nothingness I hold)

If you love and get hurt, love more. If you love more and hurt more, love even more. If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more…”

—	William Shakespeare Please someone tell him that he broke me like no one else has.

Encashing

July 6th'12- Interaction evening, the beginning of the crush
July 8th'12-The first time we started talking
July 15th'12- Exchange of numbers
July 16th'12- 2 am First text sms
July 20th'12- The first time I said hi, face to face
July 21st'12- Called me Paneer Tikka
Somewhere in between, Happened our first movie Cocktail, the first time he sang for me, 'Te Amo' and the time he said he really likes me *blush*
Aug 4th'12- First Fight (such a silly fight)
Aug 11th'12- Fresher's night. With a date. Crazy quikie on a bus!
Though very drunk, we had a magical absolutely unplanned kiss. I thought of this moment for many nights before I went to sleep. I would plan my dreams so I could wake up with a smile I was going to bed with
Aug 16th'12- Our first night out, Miami. ONE CRAZY NIGHT. I had the best sleep that night.
Aug 27th'12- The Beginning
Sep 3rd'12- My first time with him on his birthday, also the first time I said, I love you. Also, the first time I woke up next to (only) him.
Sep 15th'12- The first time I spent 3 nights away from him.
Then I lost track of dates....
I had my first bike ride with him.
We went grocery shopping, it turned out to be more fun every time we did.
We watched many a movies
Delhi Belly, The Moon, Heroin, Barfi, Chakravyuh, Race2, Dabaang 2, Student of the year, Special26, Matru ki bijlee ka Mandola, Talaash, Jurassic park 3, Iron man3
We did have some crazy outings,
Many many memorable evenings at Mezz9,
Trying various washrooms for a quickie,
Our moonlight kiss,
Some great conversations at the swings on the college campus(SIC), walking around that campus, fooling around, pulling each other's leg, taking each other's case, talking about sooooo many things, some of the best hugs, some of the best kisses in the 'kissing' strait, some kisses that caught me off guard and made me forget the conversation
Some conversations where he advised me and pulled me up from the dumps, some moments where we just sat without speaking, just holding hands and spending time together,
Moments in the dining hall where we laughed silently at a lot of people,
All those times, we stood by each other,
Many many nights at TI,
Escaping the crowd on Holi and going away,
Planning a trip to Goa or Bombay and being horrible planners and never ending up going,
So many loved filled smses, whats app conversations,
Getting past all the crazy stories people made up on campus,
Fighting because we didn't get to spend enough time together,
That moment when he was placed and I couldn't contain my happiness,
The time we lost our senses and went in to 'quickie' mode during a movie,
The time he pecked me on my forehead in front of my class,
The time at Farewell party, where we got really drunk and we danced our butt off,
The many songs he recorded, the many evenings we had him serenading,
Many lil gifts exchanged,
Many sweet nothings whispered,
Many happy tears shed,
Many conversations planning our future,
The 8 monthiversaries!

There has been just sooo many of many moments and times..

It was different from the beginning you know...it was all too special and it didn't take more than a week to realize it...

Sleep tight little one

Two years of my Rishi Valley (boarding school) years, I had absolutely despised the sight of a Junior, 4 years junior to my batch. Just his small round fat frame with those big balloon cheeks and eyes that shone with mischief would put me off. And as was chalked out, he didn't like me either. The little brat. He would often walk right into the 'batik' class and dip his hands in the boiling wax and smirk. Yea? No big deal, I know. We all did it. But he would do it like he was trying to prove how macho his little frame was. UGH I couldn't stand him. We often exchanged dirts. I referred to him as 'Rituraaaaaaaj'. See! Just the way I said it, would tick him off further.

By the end of my stay at Rishi Valley, he grew by two years. Not only did he get leaner and taller, but he also got more bearable. We did stop shooting dirts. After I left, I would see him on facebook. Not that we were in touch or even on each other's friend's list. But, via mutual friends, I did know he was doing very well for himself and he was on the brink of dawning a Top Chef Hat. Often, wondered what it would have been to really get to know the little brat.

Today, as I logged in to facebook and as usual randomly liked a few things on the timeline and scrolled down to Rishi Valley news, there it was. A father (Only god, and I mean it. Only god knows, how he must have mustered the courage) posted a line about his son passing away yesterday(05-05-13). Broke me. Rituraj is no more. I don't know what happened and I don't know why it happened. My fingers shivered mailing his dad my condolences.

I want to yell my lungs out and truly  mean it when I say, I wish I could have given him my life. That boy was a wonder. I knew him when I was 14, he must have been 10. This was just no time for a wonder to be snatched away from the world we have made today.

I hope his devilish grin keeps all of paradise charmed and I hope he cooks finger licking delicacies. May be someday, when we all get there, RV-iets would have a little re union and he would perhaps like to treat us with his goodies. Till then, Rest In Peace little one. You will be missed. 

When the rain starts to pour..

I have watched them for over a decade now. Even before I could make much sense out of it, I remember being amazed by these characters. Then, slowly sense started dawning and by 2004, when the show was wrapping up and I was away at boarding school. My mother informed me the last season was airing soon. All of us in the dorm huddled and talked about it for hours and could simply not wait till summers to catch the season finale. Many years since, I still watch those repeats every time they air on television, even better the last year I have watched them at my own leisure by owning all the epic series on my laptop, a click away. F.R.I.E.N.D.S

It is only the last 4-5 nights, I have spent wide awake and in the company of these episodes that I realize how much this show has taught without as much as a second of classroom teaching. There is wisdom parted with in all those laughs and tears. This show even back when we weren't used to the idea of homosexuality opened our minds to it. Ross the paleontologist and his later revealed lesbian wife Carol tapped homosexuality and made us accept it. I for one, am so comfortable with that orientation. Not that I am one or know anyone who is. But, I understand it and have no qualms with it. We are all gifted and created by a superior power and if he willed for it to be a certain way, well thank him and appreciate it.

It was alright for Rachel to leave Barry at the alter. Why? Because she chose love over the green papers! Over the episodes she evolves into the independent, absolutely ravishing lady from the very lost girl in the very first episode. Inspiring to say the least. Yes, she is made out to be quite the blonde but she proves them all wrong with a very strong mind of her own. Not only does she cut out the credit cards from her father, she also earns her bucks and spends it too. She falls in love, loses her trust and doesn't quite gain it back till she is sure. Right there, not one to be weakened but to hold her ground and take her own time. She mothers a love child and goes on to show that it is alright, it can be done and a signature on a paper isn't going to prove how a marriage would work out.

Phoebe, with all her quirks and wisdom. How many of us have that one friend in our lives, who is out there, speaks her mind loud and clear, has the utmost weird stories from her childhood and maintains herself the way she is year after year while the rest of us try to fit in? Can we think of someone like that? I can't. But, I do look for a Phoebe in all my friends, in myself too. Phoebe says, no we don't need to fit in. We need to be our self. The world is going to push you to change yourself and your ideals. But, is that worth losing yourself and becoming one of them? Ah NO way! She falls in love multiple times and gets rid of the guy the second she has to compromise on her ideals. There is the bold truth in her character. She finds Mike who accepts her for what she is. With all her rats, her ghastly paintings and all her quirks. Now, right then she doesn't mind dressing up for his upper east side parents, all for the Love of Mike and for the one who accepted her for what she is.

Monica! For every time we have belittled the little fat dorky ones in class, look what this one turns out to be? Yes, I know she molds in to someone who perfectly fits in the crowd. But, hey is there a single episode we don't notice the little fat girl who is hidden in that slim suit? Monica is a character I often see shades of me in. She finds everything she ever looked for, in Richard but she could let even that go when he tells her a family isn't what he wanted. If she could let go of love, must we really crib about the minute things we crib about? Would you accept a friend back in your life if they returned over a decade later? She accepts Rachel with all her heart. She toils in the kitchen when Joey wants turkey and Phoebe wants her mashed potatoes. Of course she seeks appreciation, but she does what ever it takes to spread the love she has. She doesn't fail to be a constant support to Ross. When every one called him gay, Monica sees the man behind the funny guy-Chandler.

Chandler!! I wish all of us had a Chandler in our lives. I know Chandler portrays the care free happy joke joke joke guy, but there is SO much more that character conveys. Chandler is the eternal friend. He pounds guilty for lying to Joey, he's terrified of Ross for going behind his back and dating Monica. He's there for Rachel when he thinks she needs a friend and he is the perfect husband to Monica. Chandler's character says, so what If I have no job and I live on my wife's job, if I have to find something I love doing? So what, if she wants that big wedding? And he proves he has the best heart when he doesn't blame Monica when they cant conceive. The show talks about IVF, surrogacy and adoption at a time when these concepts were just finding their space in the world. Chandler is a honest man, one that can't take lies and a man who accepts he may not be everything Richard was, but he can be exactly the guy who'll keep Monica happy, eternally!

He may not share food, nor remember the names of the ladies he bed, but Joey hands down is the nicest guy on the show! He steps up when he thinks Phoebe is pregnant and proposes to marry her. He doesn't think twice about letting the love of his life, Rachel get away because he wouldn't hurt Ross. He steps up once again, when Rachel has a baby. He waits with a baseball bat outside Monica and Chandler's when he thinks Monica is cheating on Chandler. He questions Mike, like he were Phoebe's dad before Phoebe and Mike get married. He gives Phoebe her magical Kiss. He does what ever it takes to keep Monica and Chandler's love story hidden. He never takes advantage of Rachel's vulnerability. There, that's what friends are for!

So what if you are divorced thrice and dating girls from various age groups and education fields, if you have loved and felt it, you'll have it..isn't that what really Ross is about? Behind that geek, is really a man who loved the same girl ever since Junior Prom. He loved, had, cheated, learned his lesson and waited (of course married and dated a few in between) till the love of his life came around. Don't we learn to 'accept' from Ross? Albeit with a lot of fuss, he accepts Carol is gay, he accepts Susan and Carol bringing up his son Ben. He accepts Rachel needs her space and has to live her life. He accepts to take over baby sitting Emma and asking Rachel to go have fun! He accepts, Chandler is perfect for Monica. He accepts his little sister is not little any more. He accepts Phoebe's anger towards him and helps her realize why? He accepts Joey's love for Rachel. Right there, acceptance!

FRIENDS, took us through homosexuality, through ups and downs of good jobs, bad jobs and no jobs. Of living with friends and moving on. Of loving and losing. Of Christmas and Hanukkah. Of old Christmas trees and Young Christmas tress. Of dating the young and the old. Of conceiving and carrying babies for your brother and his too old wife. Of surrogacy and adoption. Of being part Jew. Of being fat and thin. Of being perfect and failing. Of being imperfect and winning. Of patching up with lost family and accepting them. Of forgiveness. Of making new friends and never losing the old ones.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S for me is all about this and I hope I never get over the repeats and I hope I keep discovering more goodness in them. 

Bengaluru

I can't believe what a chicken I am being. After months of being glad that I had landed a great internship in my dream city. The last 72 hours have been about crying into a pillow and repelling any friendly vibe in the new city.

Then come along the cockroaches. One giant one kept me awake all of last night. Sleeping on the floor gives you a stiff back in any weather, lesson learned from last night. Have been here the last 3 days and not unpacked yet. Why? Because there are roaches all over the cupboard. How am I supposed to unpack my vero modas, zaras, mangos and gorgeous formals into that? There is no shoe rack and I am supposed to dry my under clothes in the Bathroom! The commode has no seat, I'd like to know how the room mate has been using a western loo without a damn seat on it? Wait, there is more! The wifi in my room has negligible strength. I bought a great web cam. For what? To look like a mash of myself to the person on the other side of the world wide web. I have conveniently skipped breakfast and lunch the last 2 days, yet I am not weak. I don't even want to imagine what awaits at dinner. This stinks. Everything about it stinks. I cannot believe I am being a whiner. 

As I whined a little to my sister this morning, she made me realize that may be the real issue isn't any of the aforementioned issues, may be the real issue is 'Ansh'. Maybe the real issue is, I haven't been this far away knowing I wont be seeing him for a long time. Maybe the issue is, I have come to be emotionally involved so heavily, I can't get myself to accept anything beyond that. I am in love and this is just how I am going to be the coming 8 weeks, I guess. 

Well, then I am just lucky, ain't I? Who gets to be loved SO much that they can't stand anything around them, that nothing matches up to the level of goodness a single emotion can provide?

I am such a mess, ain't I?