My Immortal - Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here 
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here 
And it won't leave me alone 

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me, me, me

Many minds One world

[ Again, one of the days at work. Reading this post, made me realize I have come a long way in a year. How much things have changed in a mere 365 days. Am I glad? More than ever. I do hope each of these women, have come a long way too. Hopefully, to a better today]

I’m at work and today was different in many peculiar ways. Like many mornings this morning too, a colleague had called all the ladies to her cabin to share her little ‘dabaa’ of Dosa and Chutney. This morning’s breakfast sharing was more than just our usual tête-à-tête. A newlywed ‘A’ amongst us was flaunting her new top, (a pretty ivory with black work) a gift from her mother in law for the first month of marital bliss. She was happy and seeing her we were happy. She cooed about how lovely marriage is. An angel for a mother in law midnight drives with hubby darling and a reason to smile everyday! I, too young for marriage and years after teens am only too happy to hear her talk in hope that with time I may warm up to the idea of a wedding!

‘A’ spoke about the small romantic gestures that mean a lot more and its importance in building the foundation for the future years as a wife. I listened with intrigue, not questioning to not cut the flow and observing the other married ladies listen to ‘A’ with nostalgia. ‘P’ happily married for 2 years and a half. Happy? She seems!’P’ had an arranged marriage with a close family friend’s son! The families are elated about the union. ‘P’ is happy. Is she in love? She does her chores at home before she heads to work and the evening chores after she gets home from work. Her husband allows her the liberty to profession and doesn’t help with cooking. Is that a recipe for a good marriage? ‘A’ says her husband helps in the kitchen too. Is that an added garnish? ‘A’ and ‘P’ both married, both happy. ‘A’ gushes about loves, ‘p’ says it will fade soon! It has faded for her in 2 years and a half? Love fades? I had no idea! ‘D’ says she married a man who is mute. Not mute as in dumb. Mute as in aloof and a man of few words. An arranged marriage and even after 10 years of it, she says she doesn’t know her husband! She says she used to try a lot in the beginning, the first 4 years she tried all the display of love, romantic gestures and expressions, candle light dinners and movies on the couch but her husband would come home from work to open his java books and prepare for the next day at work. She would leave little notes with hugs and kisses for him to notice. The notes would never be reciprocated with an actual hug or kiss. After 4 years of giving it her best shot, she had a son. “Once my son is 15, he will have a life of his own. He won’t need any one to tie his lace or help with homework. He will have friends and lots of reasons to be happy. Then I will find other ways for happiness.” She says. I ask “So then you have a plan for switching on the best in your hubby darling?” She quickly says “No! I’m not going to try anymore. I will find other ways of being happy!” I didn’t ask her which other ways? Would she tell? Maybe, maybe not! ‘D’ is happy, she loves her son and enjoys her work but there is no one to nurture all the love she has. She shut her doors to romance and listens keenly when ‘A’ talks about her new found romance or when ‘P’ talks about her faded love. There is a pause and they look into space. Pondering! 

‘M’ continues the thread. She was prepared for marriage. So much so she registered herself on a matrimonial site and found a groom for herself by herself. They convinced their parents and ‘M’ got married. It’s been 5 years and she laughs over a ‘marriage joke’ that says marriage is like walking in a park, only the park is Jurassic park! She used to play the guitar, not anymore! There is no time. Sundays? No! There is always something or the other to do at home. She says love fades eventually and everything becomes a routine. I’m remembered of a woman in her mid forties who had once in a similar forum spoken about how mechanical marriage has become. Even sex she said had become a routine, something that had to be indulged in every Saturday after dinner.  At some point emotional, now only mechanical. ‘M’’s routine sounds mechanical too. Only 5 years of marriage and all was routine already? ‘M’ is happy. She nods in agreement when ‘P’ talks of chores, when ‘D’ talks about love that is not reciprocated. She shows disagreement when ‘A’ talks about long lasting love. The Dosa and Chutney over and the dabaas lie open, dry.  

‘AK’ sees the congregation through the glass walls and peeks in to join. I clear the question mark look on her face and tell her we are talking about marriage. ‘AK’ says ‘oh!’ I wonder how she has nothing to say. There is a husband because she does talk about her daughter often. My mind talks ‘C’mon AK! Tell us your story. Did you have an arranged marriage? Did you register yourself on a matrimony site? Were you in love? Did the love fade? Does he cook?”. ‘ AK’ senses the tone of the discussion and adds to it. “We used to live in London. My husband left us (daughter and AK) recently.  So daughter and I moved back here. No one knows us here. We are starting afresh and we are really happy. Like really. I’m learning new things and my daughter is becoming independent.  I like life now”. Everyone looks at her. She is smiling and has no complaints from life.

Half written

a cool blue sky sprinkled with cloud puffs,
the sea below snuffs,
its gentle waves carry the clouds far and beyond

hear the glee of the clouds?
they converse with the waves.
'marine,take me into the deep, those depths have remained unseen'
'these depths are rugged and dark for your satin gentleness my queen!'
'be on the guard, be my protector and lead me through the dark'
'the depth is scarred by rock pools and reef tops, by blood shot eyes of whale and shark'

[2011]

In the late autumn afternoons,the dancing winds often play a game of 'whirl'. While they sit in their air conditioned offices with big rectangular windows that offer a clear view of the green lawn patch outside.Beyond the company lines,the golden brown stretch of dry grass and a forlorn neem tree with crisp yellow leaves stay still. The mountains around,offer an outline to the industrial zone. Who has the time to note its beauty? My soft plea to stop and take a look around is muffled in the noise of the trucks and the smoking factory chimney.

Amongst man's chaos, for the easily distracted,the wind plays a little jingle. It visits the lawns and tickles the bougainvillea,the flowers enjoy the afternoon guests. The ones up for fun, detangle from the claws of the plant and whirl with the wind. The flowers give shape to the otherwise shapeless and invisible element of nature. Pink,white and the occasional tinge of pink with white raise with the wind. They soar to the delight of the one distracted employee behind the glass wall. The gardner like a game show host watches nature play. the winds soar higher challenging the flower puffs. The wind laughs and pulls the flowers away,across the garden patch. They swing and sway along.

With a quick gust, the wind soars leaving the flower puffs behind. Applause. The wind once again shapeless and invisible. Only its wheezing shows its existence. For a second the mind is empty. The feeling after a highly enjoyed show. The flowers scattered across the garden patch add color to the zone. The gardener just as quite as the spectator before,starts raking the lawns. The mind of the distraced employee slithers back into place,the beeping of the fax machine,the ring of a telephone,the discussion in the cabin next door.

The wind lurches ahead, in search of another game. Moving across the golden brown dry patch,through the forlorn neem tree.For a while,the stiff branches sway,then they are back to 'stay'. The gardner rakes the lawn clean and the employee gets back to her work station. Both enjoyed my show.

Till another autumn afternoon wind and another distracted employee,nature signs off.


[Written about a year back. Found it, when I was decluttering Inbox as per Declutter December]

Realization

I'd like to believe my first symptoms of Ulcerative Colitis cropped up in 2007, soon after there was a lot of turmoil in the family. I had come across things that I could not have disclosed and that lead to a lot of internal trauma. August, 2007 my first bout of colitis. I bled for a good 2 months before I sort medical aid. Many Many different types of antibiotics were consumed by the year end. And, the condition was brought under control. A very worried mother promised me that she would make sure nothing would cause an aorta of stress to me ever again and she lived up to her promise.  It was the summer of 2009, when family issues resurfaced and I tried my best to cope with my internal worries. The universe decided to play its cards, right then. A relationship started to sour. For no rhyme or reason, 6 months of horrid torture was faced. By myself. Without a word spoken out loud, I gulped a lot. I'd like to believe those 6 months were the worst of the worst. Parents contemplated psychiatrist help. Friends contemplated a change of scenario. No one really gauged how deep the hurt was this time around. Another bout of severe bleeding hit during semester exams in 2009. Yet, another round of doctors and many antibiotics were consumed to control the unknown condition. But, that really did it. Those 6 months really worked on me physically. Lost about 7 kgs and health showed every sign of fatigue.That wasn't it, though. Came tortorous 2010. Everything boiled over. I finally had the worst bout. I bled profusely for a month before I couldn't take it anymore. I remember running out of an important meeting at work. I bled for a good 15 min and when I entered the conference room again, ,my boss huffed and puffed at how unprofessional I was. I didn't bother with an explanation. By the end of that week, I braved myself to google search my condition. S, was the first person I called. I cried and I wondered how I would face telling my parents what I was possibly suffering from. My pillar of strength she is, we planned and decided and I finally spoke to my parents about it. Crazy frenzy it was. I saw in and out of hospitals the most in Nov-Dec 2010. I wouldn't wish such an experience even for the worst enemy. They managed to point out what the condition was and termed it 'ulcerative colitis'. On medication for the rest of my life. And my only healwell remedy- 'no stress' what so ever. That's when I rewound and figured why in the first place I had developed the condition. All those times, I carried my emotional baggage, it deteriorated my immune system. Everytime I thought I'd keep quite and let issues sort out of itself, I damaged my self a tad bit more. The medicines did wonders and over the last two years, I have bled rather occasionally. Only when I consumed super heaty food items, like certain wines or turkey.

However, then came first semester MBA and I have bled more number of times the last 6 months than the last 2 years put together. Again, I rewound and I could actually put down dates for everytime I bled. 17th August, 4th October, 21st October and 23rd November. Of these, I blamed 17th August and 4th October on the cheap alcohol I consumed during ladies night. However, thinking back, it really wasn't the alcohol,but these two days had severe internal turmoil. There had been fights and perhaps after 2 years, that stress really shook my system. 21st October was again a day of severe internal turmoil and it was topped by a darned Statistics exam that I couldn't understand head or tail of. Peaked stress. Then 23rd November too.

Earlier, I made it a point to remain calm in all situations. However, now, untill I see the pot water turn red, I don't realize I am stressed. Emotional stress aggravates my colitis. My dear colitis. My blessed doctor only says one thing everytime he meets me, 'Cut the stress loose.'. Dear Doc, tell me how I could do that? Tell me how and I would share it with the world. We'd all live in a healthier world, for sure. Away from all the life long medications.

-Miss Rascal. 

Know that you're special..

Hey Honey,

I know there come, sometimes such turns in life, where we meet the unexpected. These times teach us lessons that we don't quite gather at the first go because we are too upset to notice the bright side of the matter. But, you should know that everything life offers has a purpose and more often than not, it is for your own benefit. If it weren't for the choices we have made till date, we wouldn't be enjoying some of the best things that have happened to us. For everytime, I whine about taking up this particular MBA program, I do realize I have made some very deep and last forever kind of relationships here. So, for everytime you regret taking a decision, know that you always gain and never really lose.
You're a great son. There is no doubt about that. The only gem and one that is more precious than any treasure in the world. Parents only want one thing, for their children to be happy. So for every decision you take, make sure it makes you happy because their happiness solely depends on yours.
You're a great friend. One that has stood by friends at their worst, at their best, when they were right and even when they were wrong. Agreed, this support you offer, isn't always acknowledged but they say, liberties are taken only with the ones we truly love. Your friends love you, even if they don't convey it as often as you'd like.
You're a great companion. One that is a strong pillar, one that exudes such addictive warmth and love, it is impossible to make do without it. You're loved SO much for who you are. Not for what you are, but who you are. Not for the things you do, but because you have a heart of gold that thinks of doing the things you do. For wearing your heart on your sleeve and never failing to be the perfect one in the relationship. You're valued more with every passing day.
Above all, You're an excellent person. I don't know many that bring intelligence, wit, talent, passion, love, understanding, sensibility and sensitivity together, the way you do. You're a league apart and always remember that.
Don't let small setbacks pull you down. You have a long and succesful future ahead of you and these intital setbacks should be your biggest motivators to pull yourself together and go achieve. You lack nothing. Know that you're special and the future is for you to rule. Be crazy, take chances and when life offers you lemons, ask for salt and tequilla.

Love *aaaachhoooo-runny nose* you,

Miss Rascal.

2 on 3

23 Resons why 3rd has come to hold such importance in my mundane life and why I love 'US'

• I developed a crush on him at a point I was least expecting myself to.
• As eerie as it may sound, things fell into place without any frame work
• Like a puzzle, waiting to happen, every day of this initially fit in SO well...I didn't even realize when the crush developed into something more stronger
• I kissed him before I gave this relationship a title. Not sure if it was an inebriated me or what, but this guy raised my comfort level like never before.
• Because I wanted to say yes to him within weeks of him asking me out. Somehow I managed to stretch that to about a month and a half. BUT can you imagine? Within weeks
• Because right from the very first day, this had an odd sense of familiarity. There were hardly any 'stranger' moments.
• Because I let quite a few walls down and opened up about quite a few things to him. For how little a time I have known him, it is commendable.
• Because he makes me do everything I don't want to do.
• Because I actually eat dum aloo and love it . Me? with my cannibalistic taste buds.
• Because my fingers never tire of 'whats app-ing' him.
• Because I check my phone a billion times a day waiting to hear from him.
• Because I am in SO much love, I am shocked at how crazy this is.
• For every crazy/stupid/nonsensical/required fight we have, we haven't gone without talking for a day. Well, almost one day. But, I choose not to consider that.
• I love how I know he would say many things out of anger, but he wouldn't quite quit on me that easily. (atleast I hope he doesn't)
• I love that he can be my guiding light. That he can actually pull me up from the dumps.
• I love how casual we are with each other. Taking liberties profusely and not being bothered about drawing lines.
• Its insane when we are doing great, we are at the peak of Mount Titlis and when we come across a bump, we are all out to pull each other down. But, what is precious is the time after we are done sorting it out.
• I have successfully managed to 'make out' at not 1, not 2 but 4 washrooms. Who would have thought?
• I love how mature he is most of the times and an absolute over grown baby all the time. He's my perfect amalgamation of brawn and brain. Of humor and spite. Of just everything spicy and nice.
• I love that I can get lost in his hugs and never be satisfied by just one.
• He knows exactly what to say to hurt. I love that. It shows he knows me well.
• I love the way we kiss.
• I love that we laugh SO much and our conversations range over a myraid number of topics.
• I ADORE HIM. I ADORE US. 

Thinspired

Reading a lot of blogs on 'Being Skinny'. I would like to go back to being 10 kgs less than what I am at the moment. 2009, I weighed 48. We termed it the dream weight. This one time, shopping at one of my favorite jeans brands, I walked in with 'need a 30 waist size'. I tried 4 fits and 2 sizes and finally settled for a 28 which was still loose around the waist. I don't think any shopping experience has made me happier. The sales lady absolutely aware of how thrilled I was..went on to tell me how disappointed she was for not having a 27. I bought two pairs and got one free that day. Sigh, call me vain but I despise the shape I am at the moment. I want my 28 inch waist, my flat stomach and my most treasured thigh gap back. Unfortunately the health is keeping fine. Had I been colitis struck, I would have bled the weight out. Unfortunately mental trauma is not peaking it either. I have thought of binging and purging. But, my dad's threat of sending me to a psychologist keeps me away from adopting that method. Damn you, MBA. I can't fit a gym routine either.

FAT and UGLY.

     

Ellen and Portia

For those days of obsessing over E n P.

S and I would go over interviews, especially their wedding videos and awww every second of it. We were both dating straight men and in happy relationships. And we would ponder over if we would ever have a perfect relationship like E and P. Today, we have moved out of those relationships and we are at different stages but we still obssess over E and P. You see, we are normal straight people living roller coaster relationships that are ruled by love more than anything else. We don't understand why being gay is such a taboo? If there are two people who love each other this much, why cant they live their choices without being looked down up on?

I wish the future generations will create a free willed open minded society. One that accepts love beyond sexuality and societal biases.

Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi

Those comforting times

Very often than not, I find myself busy in another time period. Digging old memories and finding a strange comfort out of it. I am not sure if this is a result of a tedious MBA semester or just a prolonged brooding phase, that I don't seem to be getting over. Most of this comfort I seek has been from times I had my mini pets with me. I have whiled for hours with them. Hours and hours. 

My first pair of Guppies (fish), Mr Bubbles and Mr Nibbles and our first fish bowl. It felt like having babies. Feeding them and cleaning them regularly. Making sure the water was always clear and never forgetting to give them a snack. Mom would scorn if I didn't say hi to them after getting home from college. I loved Mr Bubbles and Mr Nibbles. Bubbles had blue grey fins and Nibbles had orange grey fins. I used to spend hours looking into the bowl watching them swim around and do their fishy jobs. Its an odd comfort, but comfort nevertheless.

Unfortunately, one sad evening I found Mr Bubbles struggling at the bottom of the bowl. Panting profusely. It was a tearful adieu. I called everyone I knew and cried my heart out. It was horrible to see a little soul struggle. I assume Nibbles with his fishy brains may have forgotten Bubbles, seconds after I cleaned the bowl. Or he probably cried. There is no way I'd find out. 

Soon after, seeing how sad Mr Nibbles and I were, my mum took pity and let me get company for Mr Nibbles. And that is how another Guppie was added to the family. Slightly larger than the first ones. He had an orange tail and looked like Mr Nibbles's mom (hehe). It was cute seeing them interact soon after I popped him in. I thought out loud, 'Ma, what do I name him?' 'Him?' she said. 'Yea Him.' 'No, Him' she said again. And that is how we named him, Him. That didn't last long though. Him apparently a bullied Mr Nibbles to his sad death. I remember I was alone at home and SO grief stricken. I called my parents who were traveling and let my tear gates open. Dad, passed the phone to Mum with a 'oh!' and Ma gave me my first lesson on 'life and how short it is'. Him too, didn't live much longer. And needless to mention, my tears knew no bounds. Only after that did, And, my animal encyclopedia tell me..Guppies don't live long. I miss Mr Bubbles, Mr Nibbles and Him. 

Perhaps a year or so after, on my 20th Birthday, And gifted me a beauty of a fish. To call it beautiful would be insulting as they are known as fighter fish. They are kept single in a bowl, BIG bowl. Broody magnificient characters. It was ink blue, with a deep tinge of royal purple. Magnificient because of their fins. Equivalent of wings, large flappy fins. Betta fish spread their fins out only in times of rage and during a fight. Or probably sometimes when they are happy and want to fool their viewers (hehe). And named him Aussie and at home we called him Noah. Noah ate a lot, large appetite and very quite. Often I would find Ma and Po tapping the bowl to irritate him, so they could see him beautiful fins spread out. This click is from one of those times,

Noah, my deep dark little brooder. He lived long, not tooo long for me to say, he's still here. Fish don't live long and I have come to peace with that. I miss my mini aquatic loves. Someday, when I have my own brood, I am going to make sure they grow up loving animals and knowing their importance.

The last one on my list of pets is the cherry on the cake. Slowly. The lesser I write about him, the better. I have had the most memorable times with this turtle. I have spent hours running around him in the house, hours worrying over why he wasn't eating properly, clinging onto him when he got his vaccinations, feeling bad for him when I had to administer eye drops when he caught an eye infection,crazy study breaks when I would take him out of the tub and play with him on the bed. Quick as a flash, he is anything but slow. I have had the most fun with this little four legged, shell bearing creature. 

My silent comfort

 

The night we bought him

First night at home

Slowlums! I had to give him up to a friend who had a larger space to keep him comfortably. He got larger and he's a big grown turtle now. Not one that would fit in my palms or one that I can run behind anymore.

I miss his bratty tail and his antics when I fed him an extra share of dry worm cubes. 

They make a small special place and they stay forever.

Words Part-2

Sleepless in Seattle.

Annie Reed : Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental.

Sam Baldwin: Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic...

Butterfly

Posting one of the inspirational pieces.. "ANYWAY" which I go through often...


People are unreasonable, illogical & self centered - LOVE THEM ANYWAY
If you do good, people will accuse of ulterior selfish motives- DO GOOD ANYWAY
If you are successful, you'll win false friends & enemies - SUCCEED ANYWAY
Honesty & frankness make you vulnerable - BE HONEST & FRANK ANYWAY

The good you do today would be forgotten tomorrow - DO GOOD ANYWAY
The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest minds- THING BIG ANYWAY
People favour underdogs but follow only top dogs- FIGHT FOR SOME UNDERDOGS ANYWAY
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight- BUILD ANYWAY
Give the the best you have & you'll get kicked in the teeth- GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU HAVE ANYWAY

(Just one of the many good pieces MG introduced me too. I think Chrysalis made the kind of difference I had required at that point in time.)

Ride

Good things happen to good people. If you're good, only good will happen to you.

All horse shit. Good is subjective. Goodness is subjective. Nothing good comes out of being good. Its a vicious world.

Stamp, Tramp, Trash.

Morbid

Memory

SnowStorm

In the midst of it all

She is surrounded by everything she doesn't want, the books, the calculator, the tables (z,t,chi,f....). Even the otherwise happiness radiating sunshine yellow pencil is sending out the wrong alarms. There is an admit card amidst the stuff. 16 subjects it states. She lets out a small sigh. 2 years since she sat for an university exam, absolute what the fuck moment. Her tummy growls, chicken biryani, she thinks. She glances at the phone, hoping it would buzz with a call from her dinner companion. Those few moments where she could possibly forget the looming doom. She has studied...probably enough..but where is the confidence she seeks?
She'd like to be teleported to her room at home, flop next to her window on the 7th floor and watch the night sky. Signs of losing her mind, you think? You think so? You're probably right.


Miss Rascal.

And its ONE.

Albeit 18 days delayed, YAYYY on one year on this blog. I have been through quite a year, personally and on words here. Here's to me and hoping I never stop updating my life here. Not that it garners any attention, but I am glad. When I am 80 and losing my memory, my grandkids will probably read these posts out to me and I'll relive memories. Probably, know what I wanted and how some of it turned out. Probably laugh at my fantasies and probably accept that I knew it would turn out just fine.

Words

Memorable liners from some of the best movies I have watched. Part I perhaps.

Notting Hill (Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant)
Anna Scott: After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Anna Scott: Can I stay for a while?
William: You can stay forever.

Bella: The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life. no one knows why some things work out and some things don't. Why some of us are lucky and some of us get... 

William: You'd go and I'd be... well buggered, basically. 

P.S. I Love You (Hilary Swank, Gerard Butler)
Patricia: I bet you've had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own, right? Yeah. I know that. I know what it is, not to feel like you're in the room, until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know... you're with him. You're his. 

Gerry Kennedy: What do you want? I know what I want, cause I'm holding it in my hands. 

27 Dresses (Katherine Heigl, James Marsden)
Kevin: You'd rather focus on other people's Kodak moments than make memories of your own! 

Kevin: Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.

Along Came Polly (Jennifer Aniston, Ben Stiller)
Irving Feffer: It's not about what happened in the past, or what you think might happen in the future. It's about the ride, for Christ's sake. There is no point in going through all this crap, if your are not going to enjoy the ride. And you know what... when you least expect something great might come along. Something better then you even planned for.

Reuben Feffer: Since we have been together I have felt more uncomfortable, out of place, embarassed, and just physically sick then I have in my entire life. But I could not have gone through that, I could not have thrown up 19 times in 48 days if I was not in love with you. 

Kate and Leopold (Meg Ryan, Hugh Jackman)
Leopold: Ah yes, you mock me. But perhaps one day when you've awoken from a pleasant slumber to the scent of a warm brioche smothered in marmalade and fresh creamery butter, you'll understand that life is not solely composed of tasks, but tastes.

Stuart: Maybe the reason I was your guy was so I could help you find your guy.

Kate: And... it's a great thing to get what you want. It's a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted... because what you really wanted you couldn't imagine or you didn't think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew... like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn't have to take a poll and they loved you... but you hesitated and I... uh... I have to go... I'm sorry but... I have to go! 

Conscious

On some days it is alright to be aware of all the wrongs you have done, you're probably doing and you are sure of doing in the future. This guilt is a constant reminder that one needs to strive every minute towards becoming a better person. From heart and soul.


Miss Rascal.

Antsy

The mind reels like a cycle wheel of a young school boy, so quick the rotation, the spokes arent visible. Its a deserted lane, cobbled little bylane with small mud thatched homes on either side. Some with doors, some with rags of clothes hanging, barring the inside view. He peddles faster, a bead of sweat traces its way from the forehead down to the bridge of his nose. A quick sweep with the sleeve of his bush shirt and he peddles away faster. The hurry is to get to the other side. He isn't sure what the other side beholds. He imagines it to be better than the street he's cycling down. *tut tut tut* The cycle is rusty, he thinks to himself. Is it really greener?

Just then, a quick breeze sweeps the gray clouds over and within seconds, a scorching afternoon turns a shade of gray. The clouds roll in and he finds the sweat on his back drying up. His white shirt soaking in sweat, now crisp with dry sweat. He continues to peddle. He's tired. Just a little more, he consoles himself. He can smell the raindrops on the soil. He loves it. It rekindles memories. Muddy puddles, *splish splash*, childhood, carefree, running down these streets, overjoyed, the harvest would be good, if the rains were plenty. He would probably get a new shirt next year. The small joys. He peddled slower now. Letting the rain soak him, reliving the moments. 

That is when he reached, he saw it. Clean and green. Lush, thick fields. Plenty of crop. Neat lanes, with 'pucca' homes on either side. All with doors. Not a soul to be seen on the clean concrete lane. He felt the rain soaked shirt dry. The crispness fading. Would it need to be washed? He thought out loud. If he crossed the line and stepped into the Land of Plenty, he would have to make new memories for afternoons that rolled into rainy evenings. He would have to find new people to make new memories. But, he prized the people and the memories. Antsyness.

He was in a hurry to get to the other side. In a hurry, because he knew what awaited him. He paused when he got there because, he wasn't sure why he had cycled his way out of the city. He stood there next to his cycle, letting the shirt dry for a while. Then he turned around and cycled the cobbled street back to his mud thatched home. Muddy puddles and a chance of new memories with old people. He had it all. He realized. Someday, he'll tell his story. The way he found, 'The grass isn't really greener on the other side. But again, you will never know which is the greener side. Man is a confused soul, in search of a destination, forgetting it is the journey along the way, that is worth the memory, not the destination.'

Miss Rascal.

Melancholy hit, seeking Solace

Kaaga re kaaga re mori itni araj tose 
Chun chun khaaiyo maans
Kaaga re kaaga re mori itni araj tose
Chun chun khaaiyo maans

Arajiya re khaaiyo na tu naina more
Khaaiyon na tu naina mohe
Piya ke milan ki aas
Khaaiyon na tu naina more
Khaaiyon na tu naina mohe.....

Slut.

What is it about fierce loyalty that I adore? Every relationship I share with an individual, parents, sister, family, friends, girlfriends, acquaintances, love has strongly relied on loyalty. No, not from the other party. From myself. Over the years I have realized unless I feel a sense of loyalty towards an individual, they never really make it to my close circle. That is probably why the close circle is small and tight. I love meeting new people and socializing to its hilt. However, I could count on my fingers, how many would know me.know me. I am fiercely loyal to the ones I care for. There have been times when I could have followed an herd and walked away from some, I couldn't. Back in school, I could never understand why I didn't hate the most hated girl in class. Every year there'd be a new one. Every year, the entire class would avoid her till they found a new one. One of those years, it happened to be my best friend. A class of 30, one fine morning decided, she was 'the one' and that was followed by all the taunting and teasing. M and I were the thickest of friends. Somewhere still are. That one year I heard some of the worst things about M and I avoided all of it. It took a lot for a 13 year old, trust me. Before long, the class put two girls for that year. Yes, M and I made it to the list together. Why I? Because I was too fiercely loyal to sit around and talk about her the way everyone did.

Loyalty, for me has never been about proving the bond. I never expected it and I am not sure how much I express it. However, there are moments, gestures, words even actions, thoughts that silently scream loyalty. (Intentionally applied oxymoron) I found that bond within my close knit of loved ones. How one can prove loyalty by spoken words, I am yet to discover.

Eons later, I find myself at a point where I feel like I need to prove my loyalty. It has been questioned, by a loved one. As much as I'd like to prove it, I am not sure, like I mentioned how to go about proving it by words.

It has to be felt and it has to come from within. Slut? Me? No Sire, I couldn't be. Never was, Not am, Never will be. I am the loyalty police and no sire if you haven't understood the fierceness within this period, it may take you a lifetime.


Miss Rascal.

Khush rahe yaara tu sadaa

Listening to Yaariyan from the yet to be released 'Cocktail'.

4 years and exactly 7 months today. More than a month since I saw his face last. When he left, I did say, things are about to change and there will be a new beginning if he were to come back to the city ever again. But, was I really prepared for a new beginning? Did I see it coming this soon? No, I didn't. Of course this was expected. We discussed this over and over again, since the beginning of the year. How many times did I tell myself there isn't a future here? Always, perhaps only believing in it partially. All those times, I told myself there is an end nearby, why couldn't I believe in it, with all my heart? Is this how it works? It really isn't supposed to be eternal? Like those few I know or like how the movies make it seem? This feels silly. I haven't slept well in weeks, yet here I am putting down the feelings at quarter two in the morning. We're doing the right thing for the right reasons, then why this punch in the stomach? I really enjoyed every bit of the 4 years and 7 months. Every single minute of it. Regretted a few things but there were too many beautiful moments to make up for the few regrets. First love and SO many firsts to go along with that one first. That non explainable feeling of deep love, that which is the epitome of intangible, that I will always be thankful for. I know how it feels and I know it exists and lasts till as long as you'd like.

To be loved is beyond to be in love. Love teaches you that which isn't for you to learn by formula, you have got to experience it. In every cell and neuron. Such love will also take time to wane. Hold onto it for as long as it lasts and hopefully one morning, you'll wake up without that empty feeling and then you'll be ready for that new path. Till then, live life the way you used to till this moment. Seize every minute of every day and be thankful for everything life has given you the opportunity to experience.

'Alvida yaara alvida
Ho rahe tumse hum judaa
Le chalein saare ghum tere
Khush rahe yaara tu sadaa
Tumse bhi zyaada hongi
Ab yaadein pyaariyan
Hum dono ki hain
Apni apni lachaariyan
Ab hanste hanste tum pe
Le khushiyaan vaariyaan.......' 21st June,2012.

Hand wave

Over the years, many many times, I have been to gates, boundaries, airports, railway stations, bus depots to do the one thing I am most uncomfortable doing. But, it is the one thing if I didn't do, every muscle, every cell in my body and soul would come to regret. So, time after time, year after year, I have mustered all the courage, put on the happiest of smiles, held on to it for as long as possible and gone ahead with doing that one thing, that is happy and sad, all at the same time. I despise mixed emotions. 

A smile, a few polite last things, a hug, a glint in the eye, advice, notice the emerging pool in the eyes, pat on the back, shoulder hug, a hug, reassuring words, 'don't worry', the pool brims and spills, it rolls down from the corner of the eye, opens the flood gates, I cant possibly hold on to the break down, a hug - tighter this time, it lasts longer, pull back - its time, hold hands, linger, from the palm down to the tips of the fingers, look around, everything seems to rush and I wish for the super power to rewind time so I could do this in a happier way, but is there a happier way?, another hug, look deep in the eyes, remember all the times, soaking cheeks, a kiss, probably the last for a really long time, then the hand wave, the Goodbye.

*'A' leaves tomorrow and when he returns next, things would have changed. We'd be in the same city, but really too busy with our schedules. I hope tomorrow's goodbye will be to the last 5 years of knowing each other and a beginning, a fresh start to a new chapter. One that explores the other aspects of this deep friendship we have come to cherish.*

Myriad

Do I wish for switching my brain off,sometimes? Yes,I do. There isn't a single moment of my waken hour,where my mind seizes to think. There are thoughts,so many thoughts, about so many things. If you could read my mind, you'd find how swiftly it thinks and how swiftly it drifts from one thought to another. Sometimes, I want it to switch off. Sometimes, I want to be thoughtless. Sometimes, I want to be shaken and made to realize I had nothing going on in my grey matter.

22 years, in itself has given me enough reasons to think about, but that is clearly not enough. I have to think of the next 10 years and add more reasons to an already taxed brain. Why think of the past, you ask? Who am I without that past? You, tell me. Would you able to shut out your entire past and only think about tomorrow? That isn't even possible, unless of course you're the history cache of the damned desktop. Open History>select items>remove selected items> erase. Done. 4 steps and the browser is clear of the baggage from many yesterdays.

My mind is literally reeling these days. Like the reel of an age old black and white, silent film roll. You know, how the characters on screen would rush around? It makes me laugh, seeing them rush, quite and colorless. My mind, on the other hand, doesn't make me laugh. It makes me want to scream out loud, like rip the brains out and give it a earful on 'STOP. YOU ARE TOO LOUD. I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT.PAUSE.PLEASE,I AM ONLY HUMAN.ONLY 22.' *phew* Yes, that is what I am feeling within, when on the outside I seem like the calm sea shores on a summer evening.

There is the impending admission to a certain course of future study. At this moment, I have 4 great options. 3 of them will take me to Bombay (a city I have absolutely come to love with every passing year) and one option will have me stay right here, Pune (where I have lived, the last 7 years). NMIMS and JBIMS, in Bombay could be my ticket to "the future". IGTC, could be the ticket to a really "un-prepared future", that will ball into a brilliant journey and achievement of a sound goal. SIBM,Pune will be my ticket to "I really don't know how this will turn out,future". See, the cross roads I am at? My mind is drowning in career prospects. This in turn is breaking me into pieces and I'd really like to put myself back together and get going. Then there is all this gooey mess of friends. Friends from childhood, friends from boarding school, friends who were neighbors, friends from college,friends who have moved away to distant lands,friends I often miss but there isn't a way to let them know,friends I speak to often but their existence makes no difference to my life,a friend who is a lover, friends who do each other and don't want the world to know, friends who kiss and tell the world,zodiac friends,foreign language friends,friends who aren't really friends but people I wish were friends,intimidating friends,over ambitious friends,over achieving friends,lazy friends...so on..Do you blame me for calling all of that a gooey mess? Like that isn't enough, there is the worrying health. Relapse of a health condition, some bleeding. And if that weren't enough, there is family. I would never want any form of solitude for mum. Some say solitude is blissful. Rubbish. It is isolation.And I never want that for mum. Dad and his need to achieve and over achieve. My sister and her phase of growing up. HEY! These are reasons to occupy brain space. *shush* Oh, also remember the guy I met on the bus to Bombay? I haven't spoken to him in a week. He's on a holiday. I wish my phone would ring with his call.

Here, this is what I am listening to, at this very moment. Absolutely loving 'my macho, my stud' Arjun Kapoor. Going by the trailers of Ishaqzaade, he seems so raw and you know what they say about raw..raw is healthy. Okay I made that up. Anyhoo, I am crushing pretty severely on this one. So, here is Pareshan, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bf5WO0NnADM . Drool over the song, it is beautiful. The voice is so earthy and the song is haunting my mind. To make it just 'the' number, there is Arjun.

Later,
Miss Rascal. 

At this moment..

I sit by the window on the 7th floor. The view outside is serene. Evening clouds seep in, the sky is watery orange, white puffs of clouds here and there. The pleasant summer breeze.

So many thoughts running through. I want to paint walls. Yellow,orange,pink. Perhaps a yellow wall,an orange roof with a pink window on the roof. Pop orange,pop yellow and pop pink. I feel the need for neon colors. Maybe just colors. Life feels bland. Sometimes. Perhaps,at this moment. 

I am listening to Tamil songs. Vaseegara-Bombay Jayashree plays as I write. I love listening to Tamil music. I don't understand much. I love it though. It takes me back to boarding school days. Back to good old teenage days. I owe a lot to the 350 acres of land, that played a core part in shaping me. Who I am,today. I learned to appreciate Music, over those years. Music from various genres. One doesn't necessarily have to follow the words of a song to understand the emotions of it. The rhythm, the beats, the instruments, the pitch, the tone of the singer, the mood of the singer, resounding, to feel music in your veins, to understand it without following language. Tamil,Telugu,Malayalam..even English. I listen to Spanish, French, German music. And even an odd Chinese (Mandarin) song. No, you really don't have to follow the words, feel the song. Music goes beyond borders, nationalities and race. Find the musician in you! Soak in the notes.

Shampoo and soap, the fragrance of clean skin. Evening baths. Water droplets running down washed hair. Woody smells, cinnamon, orange, aqua. Body wash, scrubs, squeaky clean.

Temple bells, chants and prayers. Singing bhajans, aarti, sandalwood pottu, jasmine flowers, sarees. I don't get to hear temple bells or ladies singing bhajans often. But, I find peace in the mere thought of these sounds. Like memories of singing prayer songs at the morning assembly in school. We would wait to sing om jai jagdish and our day ahead would invariably be extremely good on such days. The minute of silence after the assembly. Peace within, peace around.

(Gets dark outside the window on the 7th floor..listening to Mangalyam from Alaipayuthe. AR Rahman..drifts away)

Silence

I wish dying wasn't so much about death of a person as about just wanting to start afresh. I'd like to die. No, not die as in stab my heart and allow my soul to float away. Die, as in burn to ash everything I am now, and rise from the ashes like a phoenix to become someone new, someone else.

Just to start afresh!

Is it really?

On a bus journey, with 10 others you have never met or spoken to before. One destination. Could you believe, the journey may change your way of thought?

I had no idea. I embarked upon a journey, to return 12 hours later, as a different person. Did he spark that change?

We shared seats on the journey. 10 min and we figured he knows almost everyone I know in the city. I looked out of the window and he spoke about various things under the sky. I laughed when it was funny and smiled when it made me. Every 300 words he spoke, I looked into his eyes once. Brown, piercing. He said he loves life, everything about it. He told me about his childhood,school,college,exes,football,mom,sister,dad,sindhi,engineering,construction,weight,the importance of loving whatever you do,the importance of loving yourself for who you are and never taking yourself for granted,finding a passion and chasing your dreams. He said some lovely things about the personality I exuded. No one has ever said those things to me. We spoke about relationships, my utter faith in them and his utter lack of it. He's had his fair share of bad past. We watched Big Bang on his iPad. He teased,mocked,poked and basically used me as the base for all his jokes. He's chivalrous, he loves shahrukh khan, bollywood,old hindi black and white gaane, he's a cancerian 2nd of July. He is fascinated by space, the moon and he finds water just as serene as I do. His general knowledge blows me. His care to share his knowledge without belittling the other person, is a gift. He's a dancer, he sings, he charms and he laughs.

I don't know what this vibe is? I don't know what to make of this changed me? Did he just turn my outlook of life, a 180 degrees? Did he just make me want a whole new phase in life? Did he really do any of these things? Or was I really headed here...waiting for a catalyst? Did I really speak to the love of my life and ask for his approval to quit our 4 year long relationship? Did I really watch his eyes sadden and his voice get heavy when I tried to convince him we are speeding to a dead end and we should take another route to save our friendship? I did. I feel terrible. A month ago, I was telling myself I have every ingredient for a perfect life. As of today, I have opted out of one of the best things that happened to me in 2007 and with all my heart I do want to get out of this city and this comfort zone I have created for myself.

Times change, people come, people go, memories fade, memories made, things unlearned, things learned, relationships stale, relationships grow and it is alright, ALRIGHT to accept these changes. It is NORMAL to want something for yourself and it is okay to be guilty for hurting loved ones during the journey. Guilt is my reminder that I need to strive and achieve what I gave up, detached and hurt for.

I am growing and I am coming to terms with it. Not that I love this transition but it gives me a chance to achieve what I thought till recently was unattainable.

Today Tomorrow

A Disney princess is not 'just a princess'...

Because 'Cheer' comes in many Disney ways than one...

They don't make them like that anymore...

The frog Flounder

Mushu

Donkey Simba

Some days,

and on some days,

But, I hear they say

-Miss Rascal

Paris

I confess,I thought Paris was the world's most over rated holiday destination. If you were to explore, you'd find beauty all around the world and romance in it if you really were looking for it. So, then why all the hoopla surrounding Paris?

I first visited Paris in the summer of 2011. It took me all of 30 min,the drive from the Paris-Charles de Gualle airport to the hotel, to figure out why Paris is PARIS and why I left a little chunk of me there,when I left 4 days later.

On my way to the Hotel,when I drove past the the magnificence that is Eiffel Tower,my heart leaped. Unusual right? That's what I thought too. I was prepared to not be awed by the sight of the giant iron tower. Yet,there I was overwhelmed within seconds of casting sight on it. From my hotel window, I could see it in a distance, tall,reaching out to the clear blue evening skies of Paris. To call it serene,wouldn't be doing it justice. In that moment,I knew people were right when they called Paris,the city of love. It really is. Everyday for the next 4 days that I spent in Paris,I walked to the Eiffel Tower thrice daily. All the while exploring the rest of the beautiful city.

I could never explain in pictures or in words, the wonder that is Paris. There is more,much more to this city than just love and Eiffel Tower,but after exploring as much as I could in 4 days,I'd say the Eiffel Tower is the icing on this cake. No matter what opinion or perception you hold of Paris,you could possibly not take more than a couple of hours,(for me 30 min) to figure out everything you have heard about the city is true and just a percentage of what you'll experience. Also, you could possibly not convey more than a percentage of your experience (even if you're the world's best with words or pictures), to the people still alien to Paris.

Paris for me is closest to imagining paradise. Even now, a year later,it takes me seconds to close my eyes and teleport to Paris's cold streets,shimmering under the winter's coy sun,tracing the path to the Eiffel Tower from the hotel,keeping my eyes glued to the distant figure. Being awestruck,to the extent of knots in the stomach and being rendered speechless for a while after reaching it.

A part of me still roams the tulip gardens and the banks of the river Seine.

I believe Paris is a part of me and someday I will be a part of Paris.

A

A's most loved question.