I had no idea. I embarked upon a journey, to return 12 hours later, as a different person. Did he spark that change?
We shared seats on the journey. 10 min and we figured he knows almost everyone I know in the city. I looked out of the window and he spoke about various things under the sky. I laughed when it was funny and smiled when it made me. Every 300 words he spoke, I looked into his eyes once. Brown, piercing. He said he loves life, everything about it. He told me about his childhood,school,college,exes,football,mom,sister,dad,sindhi,engineering,construction,weight,the importance of loving whatever you do,the importance of loving yourself for who you are and never taking yourself for granted,finding a passion and chasing your dreams. He said some lovely things about the personality I exuded. No one has ever said those things to me. We spoke about relationships, my utter faith in them and his utter lack of it. He's had his fair share of bad past. We watched Big Bang on his iPad. He teased,mocked,poked and basically used me as the base for all his jokes. He's chivalrous, he loves shahrukh khan, bollywood,old hindi black and white gaane, he's a cancerian 2nd of July. He is fascinated by space, the moon and he finds water just as serene as I do. His general knowledge blows me. His care to share his knowledge without belittling the other person, is a gift. He's a dancer, he sings, he charms and he laughs.
I don't know what this vibe is? I don't know what to make of this changed me? Did he just turn my outlook of life, a 180 degrees? Did he just make me want a whole new phase in life? Did he really do any of these things? Or was I really headed here...waiting for a catalyst? Did I really speak to the love of my life and ask for his approval to quit our 4 year long relationship? Did I really watch his eyes sadden and his voice get heavy when I tried to convince him we are speeding to a dead end and we should take another route to save our friendship? I did. I feel terrible. A month ago, I was telling myself I have every ingredient for a perfect life. As of today, I have opted out of one of the best things that happened to me in 2007 and with all my heart I do want to get out of this city and this comfort zone I have created for myself.
Times change, people come, people go, memories fade, memories made, things unlearned, things learned, relationships stale, relationships grow and it is alright, ALRIGHT to accept these changes. It is NORMAL to want something for yourself and it is okay to be guilty for hurting loved ones during the journey. Guilt is my reminder that I need to strive and achieve what I gave up, detached and hurt for.
I am growing and I am coming to terms with it. Not that I love this transition but it gives me a chance to achieve what I thought till recently was unattainable.
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